My beloved Finnegan

It has taken me 3 days to write this post. Those of you who know me a little from blogging, know that I have...or rather had 2 dogs. Finnegan was a miniature poodle..smart as could be. Casey is a Shi Tsu, smart as well, but very stubborn.

These dogs were my life saver, during times of depression especially. Yes, I have a husband, but when I could not even talk...or if I was afraid of saying exactly what I was thinking, I had my girls to pet and share all my secrets with.

Finn was hit by a car on Nov. 11. In all likelyhood, she was unaware, and was killed instantly. She bolted through my legs as I was coming in from going to the grocery store. Mike was outside, and immediately called for her to come home. Because she listened so well....she tried to do just that. She ran quickly across the road, just as a car came and she went right under the back wheels. What hurst so badly, is the driver did not even stop.

Mike spent an hour in the garage alone with her...as she loved him best of everybody. He adored her too...as did I, but she really was his dog. Casey, the other dog, is pining, and grieving badly. I finally got her to eat, and to sit for one of her favourite bisquits today, and I gave her Finn's stuffed elephant. Casey never played with it before, but she has been toting it from room to room today.

The big news and the most frightening for me, is Mike will be having open heart surgery next Thurs. We are both scared, but we have immense trust in the cardiac surgeon. He is an aggressive young man...but not in the least arrogant. With physicians the two usually go hand in hand, but this fellow is different. Please...those of you who pray...please do so for Mike...for those of you who do not...just give him a thought or 2 next week.

I saw my pdoc. My meds are changed. I have sisnce noticed a slight change, but I know it will take it awhile before they are working at full effect. I am confident this will work, as the rapid cycling has just got to stop. I cannot tolerate it any longer...nor can the people who have to be involved with me.

Thats it I guess. I want to go to sleep early tonight. I have kitchen cupboards to clean tomorrow, and I hate that job more than anything.

Love to you all.

Laurie

Apologies, confessions and so much more

I have so much to Say, that I don't even know where to start. Things have been bad, worse that they have for a very long time. Sometimes I think it was easier when I didn't know I was bipolar. I could have lived with the "bitch" title...and the "there she goes again...depressed, what the hell is wrong with her".

In some ways the knowing is much worse, because instead of viewing myself as bad, I know I am ill and I know what I have to do to fix it.

The mania this time was filled with rage. I raged at a counselor whom I respect, about all kinds of things. I did this via email, so I felt an extra layer of safety.

A couple of weeks have gone by and I am not not able to move from a prone postion. I have a plan for suicide, but it seems once I voice it, it makes it null and void. My plan was to fill my car with gas...poke a hole in m tail pipe....have rags to stuff in it...go for a ride into the bush. I would take a book I love, and read until I just fell asleep. Nothing about life feels worth it. People would be better off...really. I am not just saying that, its true.

My kids and the thought of them is enough to give me pause, but my fear is one day I will not allow myself to go there in my head. What a disgusting mother.

PTSD has kicked in full force, and for no apparent reason. I am paranoid. Certain smells are causing terror....having to go out into public makes my legs buckle....for a vain person, I am not taking very good care of myself. What is comeing up for me....what is trying to break through. Whatever it is, I am not ready.

Then there is the stress of my husband. We are waiting to hear when he has his open heart surgery, and of course I worry.

My meds are not working....not one bit, I sleep about 2 hours a night, I have lost 27 pounds.....and I have no energy;

I have no more to say tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Laurie

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

I set out each day with the promise to myself to blog even if it is just a little bit. As luck would have it, time just has not been on my side.

I have been keeping up with all the blogs I read, but I have even slacked off in the comments. I feel like they are all so far ahead of me in healing areas....while I just seem to put one foot in front of the other...slowly.

Hubby is still seriously ill, so that has me very stressed. He had testing done this summer that showed about 6 blockages in his main arteries, and the only thing they can do is open heart surgery. Poor guy is practically living on nitro tablets. He has lost a huge amount of weight, so that is good insofar as the surgery itself. We are hoping they call us in November or December to go into the hospital, and you can bet I will be right by his side.

I lost over 27 pounds this summer, and I did not have them to lose. I gained a few back, and am now 98.5 pounds. I need to get back to at least 120 pounds to remain healthy.

I know I am the most boring blogger around, but my head is just too filled with things that I cannot seem to articulate in any shape of fashion. Maybe once hubby is doing better, that will change.

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

Waiting So Long Between Posts

I don't know why I do it. I promise myself everyday I will write something...and by the time I visit all my blogger pals, I just don't feel like it. Or...I often feel like what I have to say is irrelevant.

It finally dawned on me, that this blog is for me. Its here so that I can express myself about anything that I want. I can let my feelings and thoughts be known, and the only thing I really have to worry about is being honest...very important....and not being afraid of nasty commenters. I always admire the people who blog and get those nasties and do one of two things. They either ignore them...or they respond in a perfectly rational way. lol...I tend to not be rational when upset, so I am afraid of what I might say. My intent is to have people visit me...say what they want and not be afraid to speak their mind. I just need to learn to respond properly.

There is one blog I visit regarding adoption. It's a lovely blog about a lovely family who has adopted I think 7 children internationally. They also have 4 of their own, and will be adopting one more from the Ukraine. The mom is a great blogger...but oh my! I have never seen such defensive behaviour on a blog. Anytime she is disagreed with, her retorts are sassy to the point of feeling sarcastic...very icky in my opinion. I am not talking about people commenting saying mean things either. I am talking about differences in perspective. However...this blog post is not about that.

I also read some great progressive Alaskan blogs. Those folks are amazing! One has a radio program on Saturday evenings and I always tune in. I have even gotten the nerve to call her open line...when I can get through. These people are witty...caring...and very politically savvy.

This past winter was extremely hard for Native Alaskans for a variety of reasons. At one point, through the blogs we readers discovered that many had to choose between food and heating oil. Bloggers and commenters from all over the world sent care packages and money and parcels arrived and were dispersed to the villagers in need. Governor Palin? She took a trip to visit with a whack job minister, (sorry...I don't think all ministers are whack jobs) and homemade cookies...AFTER everybody else did the heavy lifting.

When the ice on the mighty Yukon river began to break up...it literally broke up...pulverized actually...entire communities. Homes..businesses...everything. Once more the blogs sent out the clarion call....and we bloggers and commenters got to work again. Governor Palin..??? Not really sure she did much.

Recently, on one of my fav Alaskan blogs, someone using anonymous (of course) has been telling Canadians to mind their own business when it comes to US politics. At first I thought...oh well...they can say what they want I suppose.

Then I got a bit ticked off. I decided to vent on my own blog, rather than do that on my Progressive friends blog...so this is it.

As a Canadian...some Americans piss me off. I am tired of all the ridiculous things said about my country...our health care....our gun control....blah blah blah.

We ...like the US value free speech. We do not value it however...when that "liberty" is used to incite hatred and violence against someone of a different colour...a different religion or sexual orientation. We have laws for " hate speech"...for that is what it is. Free speech be damned. Be accountable for what you say, and you can have all the free speech you want.

Yes..Canadians pay higher taxes and it pays for universal health care. That means the homeless man down the street gets to have a doctor...gets to have surgery if he needs it...gets tests if he needs them...gets put in hospital if he needs it....gets medications requiried....can go to alcohol and drug treatment. A few extra dollars less off my paycheque is worth that to me. I am sure it is worth it to anyone with any humanity.

Yes..sometimes wait times are long. In my experience this is for elective things...although I know it happens for needed things too. This doesn't occur is the states...with private insurance?? Please...I am not that stupid. Of course it does.

I love Rick Mercer, but when he takes his act to the states, and a university prof. from Harvard, actually signs a petition to "force the Canadian Government to halt the annual Saskatchewan Seal hunt"...I am disgusted. Or when someone thinks that Wayne Gretzky is our "president". Or..one of our provinces is "Toronto". Or...congratulating us on the fact that we have our first national newspaper. One governor when asked by Mercer if he thought Canada should have a navy...he said ..sure why not. Mercer then asked where would we put our ships, ( most normal folks know we live between both the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, and that we have a grand navy)
was told that perhaps Florida or some such place would let our ships sit there.

I live in remote northern Manitoba. I have been asked however, inane questions like "do you know so and so who lives near the big gas station outside of Toronto?" Please believe me....this is true.

Many americans know nothing about us. Even Obama's new homeland secretary...Napolitano..stated when she was in Canada a few weeks ago...that the 9/11 high jackers came through Canada. WTH??? She didn't know they all had US visas. She didn't know they all learned to fly in American flight schools? Un freaking beleivable.

People...what happens in the United States affects Canada. It affects everybody everywhere. Just look at the economy and tell me differently. (I am just grateful for wonderful Canadian banking laws) I have seen many online articles where Americans are free to comment on us. I am just as free to comment on American politics. Perhaps more, because I have at the very least learned something about the country...about the people...and most certainly about their politics.

I will not disregard anyone who criticized my country...as long as they have done their homework too...and not just spout off the latest talking points. Learn about who we are....what we believe in and why. We are not perfect...we have a long way to go. Canadians will debate though....and we listen. We will not dismiss you out of hand, and certainly will not tell you to mind your own business. I'm sorry...but there is an irony in that statement. An american saying "mind your own business"....interesting indeed. Iraq????

Thanks for listening...I feel a bit better. I am not meaning to offend, I am just speaking my own truth. I am sure not every Canadian feels as I do, but most of us would really love it if silly things about our country would just stop being said.

Rest assured...the government does not get between me and my doc....and the government is not coming to take away hubbys guns. Sheesh...

Have a great day....sun is finally coming out now.

An Arab Woman Blues. Reflections in a sealed bottle...

An Arab Woman Blues. Reflections in a sealed bottle...

Dreary day...

but...it is spring at least. This has been a winter to end all winters. Temps hung around 52C for about 2 and 1/2 months, and we got a great deal of snow. Because it is always so cold here in the winter, we usually don't get dumped with a huge amount of the white stuff. This year we got both!

Its kind of a drizzly day...raining actually. Thats alright though, because it gets rid of the snow that is left that is so dirty from all the traffic etc.

I'm feeling fairly good actually. I still have not been taking the mood stabilizers. Its been awhile now, and no manic sessions to deal with. I cannot bring myself to stop the anti depressants though. I am far too chicken for that. Normal everyday life can be hard enough, without depression that never seems to lift. The type that makes you crawl under the covers. The kind that won't let you read...or watch tv...or read blogs...or talk to anyone.

Another blogger I read speaks about the "crying place". I wonder if my "place" is similar. I dont really know. I dont spend time crying when depressed....I dont have even the energy or the desire. I just feel nothing at all....and that is such a scary place to be.

However...that is not where I am at the moment.

I am getting very excited to go and visit my daughter and grandkids in May. I am taking 10 days, and flying out to just enjoy some quality time with them. I had hoped to make the trip this summer, when hubby could come with me...but he wants to do something else in the summer, so I will go in May.

I dont like to fly though. I will have to think of something so that I am not so scared. Its funny...because I am so nervous, I am always the one that gets patted down and really scrutinzed at security. I get mad...hubby laughs. Its really not funny...but I dont know how to change it. I wish I drank....perhaps being drunk would help...or not. That would most likely get me tossed off the plane.

Anyway, I am really just prattling today. Nothing to say....but so much to read, so back to my blog pals. I am so in love with them!

HE IS BACK, AND OTHER NEWS

My brother is back for another month...another glorious month. I enjoy him so much, and I think he likes having time to spend with hubby and I too. My poodle loves him so much it appears, and I may have to watch he doesnt try and sneak her into his duffel bag when he leaves.

I have been around...reading all of my blog friends posts. Just feeling quiet again I suppose. JIP is going through so much it seems...and I wish there were something I could do. Beauty as well...but she is so introspective and I think through her blog..much like Austin, they figure it out along the way. All of you...Kahless, Lynn...so many. I am inspired by you.

Recently, I have returned to some American progressive blogs...mostly in Alaska. As a Canadian, I suppose it should be of no consequence to me....but Sarah Palin is such a car wreck its difficult not to watch. You should see the shenanigans she is up to now. Whoa Nelly.

I would be a democrat were I American, but I have to admit that in early September it looked like Palin might have "something". The more I read the worse it got. Then her interviews with the "gotcha"media like 'Charles Gibson and Katie Couric just did me in.

Some really terrible things have been happening in Alaska in recent days. One major item is the outing of a wonderful blogger who goes by mudflats. She had stated since the early days of her blog that she wished to remain anonymous and she has that right. Her blog although critical of Palin, has also been unbiased when it came to faux pas that a dem might have made. She brooks no nonsense on the blog....and refuses to allow her readers/posters to get into the tin foil hat mentality.

That said...she took to task, a democratic representative in Alaska, in December, because of his snarky emails to constituents and other americans about certain events like troopergate. Google will give you all you need to know if interested about that.

Anyhow, Rep. Mike Doogan of Alaska, wanted payback. So he has spent the last 4 months tracking down who "mudflats" is. He outed her on the Alaska Democratic website in a newsletter to this constituents. He didnt have any idea why mudflats wanted to be anonymous.

Perhaps she had an ex husband who was looking for her. Perhaps she was a business owner. Perhaps anything. Most of all....the rabid right in the States is becoming more than hateful. Death threats and ugly ugly comments have been thrown at other bloggers for making a less that wonderful statement about Sarah Palin.

The backlash has been huge...on both sides. There is the chance of an ethics complaint against this representative....and the question of the right to anonymous free speech has arisen again.

The Federalist papers well over a hundred years ago, were written anonomosly. Jefferson...Adams...many more wrote using pen names, because they understood well that if a certain segment of people didnt like what you said,, it could be dangerous for you.

Mudflats has had lots of support. I am thankful for that, but I am angry that her family has been put in such a place in the first place.

Many republicans are still very angry about the election of Obama. There is much work to be done, and I believe he is at least trying. Did they expect he could personally fix things completely since Jan. 20? Has he made a few mistakes? Probably.

All I know is that when I watched him on tv at the G20 there was none of the dread one usually felt for the last 8 years. You know...the feeling of "what in the world is this guy going to say or do now to humiliate his countryman.

OK...enough political ranting. lol....if you would like, just check mudflats out.

just want to introduce you to my furry kids

They are as follows...Casey..the oldest, then Finnegan, and finally the one I will be picking up today...Bailey....will affectionately be referred to as Mr. Dressup. My kids loved the show when they were little.

Sunday Morning thoughts.

I have been doing very well not taking the mood stabilizers. I am not one to dx myself, but I am starting to absolutely believe that I didnt need that med. The anti depressant yes...and I will never stop that because of my terror of the depressions I have had.

Anyhow...thats not the purpose of this blog. I have received much encouragement of late from blog pals to continue writing. The nervousnes of saying the wrong...or perhaps even stupid things has started to lesson.

Something deep inside me has been stirring. I have started doing things I havent done for so so long. This will sound crazy, and perhaps to some, not that important, but I have begun to take more of an interest in my appearance. I have many nice clothes, but was always just jumping out of the shower and throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweater for work. My employer isnt upset by that...he doesnt even notice what I wear...just cares that my work is done in a capable manner.

What I wondered...was all this about. The taking care with choosing my clothes...the new methods of skin care...the applying of makeup...the desire to let my hair grow long enough to play around with it a little bit. Its not I can assure you...and desire to look good for someone else. I think...and again I dont know if this sounds reasonable...its a way to show my husband how much I care.

I am married to the most wonderful and loyal man. He loves me no matter what...but I havent been putting much effort into my relationship with him for a long time now. The little things count I believe.

Recently...he has been having severe chest pain, that the docs gave him nitro for. I have changed both our diets significantly....he has lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks...due to his food changes, and he is working out 3 days a week. I dont mind telling you though, that until all his test results come back, I am afraid. His blood pressure is awful, and the day they gave him the nitro his blood pressure was 229 over 172. I know the docs were scared that day. Of course Mike is stubborn...and refuses to miss even 5 min of work.."sigh"

He goes for a stress test on the 16th. These tests can take awhile to arrange, but I went to his doc with him, and I was very blunt and just a tad angry. I did this...because I believe we all need someone to advocate for us with docs and hospitals.

I think what it did, was trigger the memory of my mothers death. I was not with her in the hospital...for which my guilt is horrendous. Had I been there....I would have been able to notice that her blood sugar was dropping and she needed help. I would have pounded desks if I had to....and I believe my mother would still be alive. She had a mastectomy...and I wanted to be there, but I lived far away, and she told me she wanted me to come when they discharged her...which would have only been 2 more days. Against my better judgement...I listened. I have paid a price for that for the last 10 years. Sorry...got off track...this isnt about my mom...its about Mike, and my concern for him.

Any how....I am trying to ensure that when he comes home to his new diet foods...he also comes home to a wife who tries to look as attractive as she can for him. Perhaps this is too much info...especially for a Sunday...but I have even become the aggressor in the bedroom....a far cry from my earlier nature. To see the ways his eyes light up with delight makes me happy.

I want him to know just how much I love him....that I will do all it takes to keep him healthy and happy....and that life would be not worth much without him. Its a shame it takes a scare or illness for this to happen in a relationship...but I know that if often does.

My hope is for all of you....to enjoy your relationships. To get up each day, grateful and happy to be with the person you are in a relationship with. Have a great Sunday my friends.

Bad Day

Today is a lousy day for a myriad of reasons. First and foremost, I have an ear infection and a migraine on top of that. Because of the pain in both my ear canal and in my head....everything I take for pain, and the antibiotic comes right back up.

I went to work, but by 1:30, I knew I had to come home. Now I am snuggled in my bed with a nice cup of tea and my laptop. I hope I feel better in the morning, but if not...I will just stay home.

I have had some time to do some blog hopping. I read one that was such a damn trigger. It took me back to my youth with my father....and to my first husband.

I would almost rather be called anything than "stupid". In fact, when my children were young, stupid was not a word that was permitted in my home. Still today....it is not said...not by me and not by my husband.

As a therapist working with clients of all types and with various dx, passive aggressive people got to me the most. They can almost never be pleased. They dont have the skills necessary to take an issue on directly. Instead they go silent...bang things around...sigh a great deal...mutter under thier breath...act like martyrs....and are often extremely sarcastic.

All of those things are violent acts. There has never been a truer statement than one of the first that I learned in university. "Silence is Violence" Silence is a predominant trait in a passive aggressive personality. We ...the ones on the receiving end, are left fearful for the next shoe to drop. We are forced to constantly think ahead, lest we say or do something to offend the PA individual.

I spent a lifetime with people like that and choose today to address it right away if it someone close....and keep my distance if not. People like that are hostage takers.

You may not agree...and thats ok. I know it has been true in my life, and for me...that is what is important.

I will Miss him.

My brother came to stay with me in the first week of January. I was so excited to have him come...and the visit has been wonderful. His company sent him here to work on a job, and I have had the pleasure of cooking some of his favourite foods...and then spending the evenings chatting.

The entire time he has been here, my routine has done an about face. Instead of retiring to my room right after the dinner dishes and clean up, I spend a few hours visiting.

Instead of just tossing dinner together, I put some real thought into it, and try and set my table nicely. It has been good. It has also made me realize that I have been pining too. I am very family oriented, but since my mom died in 1998, and then I moved so far away, I have had to muzzle a lot of that instinct. I had to, because I am far away from everyone. Now when I go home, it is really overwhelming for reasons I dont really understand, and I dont usually have that great a time. Perhaps I can change this...at least I will try.

He leaves tomorrow, and I miss him already. We have made plans to travel back to Ontario in July though, so I can look forward to this.

I need to decide this week if I will go to Nova Scotia in March to visit my daughter. I really do think I will go, but work is so busy, I am not sure it will be without guilt.

Guilt...what a horrible word. Guilt has a good purpose...if we use it correctly. It tells us when we have been acting unfairly....or when we have done something we know is wrong. Well...thats what it does for most people. I can take guilt to all time high though, and end up feeling guilty for things that I have absolutely no control over.

This is an area I want to work on.

Tell me...how does guilt work in your life?

Plugging along..

Right after Christmas, for whatever reason, I stopped taking the mood stabilizers I have been on for a couple of years now. I continue to swallow the mirtazapine, because depression scares the devil out of me. I don't think I could take another one...especially of the sort that lasts for months and months. LOL...perhaps I should be concerned with not taking the mood stabilizer as that is what stopped the crazy making behaviour.

I stopped them, because morning and evening when I took them...I felt ill. I have also been losing weight. Weight that I cannot afford to lose, and that I had only started to gain when I first was prescribed the mirtazapine (anti depressant).

For the last year or so, I have not been really living my life. I get up in the morning...go to work..go home at the end of the day, make dinner, have a bath and am in my bed by 6:30. I just couldnt change it up somehow. I lost interest in everything. I wasnt depressed. I wasnt manic. I just....was existing.

So, I started to wonder. I recognized that I had some serious issues and things that happened due to mania for years. I didnt like it...and I knew it was dangerous for me, and for the people I love. I just am not sure that medicine has it exactly right for everyone.

You see, I have been doing a little research and I came across something very interesting. It had to do with bipolar in children. Specifically children with a diagnosis of RAD. (Reactive Attachment Disorder) No...I do not have RAD.

Anyhow...I read something a doc wrote that stated he thought that perhaps trauma can bring on bipolar. Without going into detail...I did experience severe trauma in 1998. Since that time, is when the mania and sometimes bizarre behaviour became noticeable. Lets not forget, I have worked my entire adult life as a Social Worker specializing in counselling. The odds of someone with Bipolar 1 doing that for any real length of time, and with any continuity is slim. Most of the folk I have met with BP1 have struggled with education and employment for most of their lives. Its not a matter of intelligence or will...it just isnt possible most of the time.

The long and the short of it is. I am not stupid...and if I notice that I am heading up the bipolar highway...I will immediately go back on my medication. I also mentioned it to my husband, and although he is understandably nervous, he has promised to address it if he sees anyting untoward in my behaviour.

Some will think I am just one of those people who refuses to take their meds. Some will think I am being stubborn...or that I am foolish. Whatever.

I just know that a life lived in bed and at work is no life at all. I need to try this and see what happens. I wont let it get out of control...but perhaps that doc I read is right. If I have worked through my trauma and grief issues, and I do believe I have, then perhaps the anti depressant is all that I need. Depression is something that has dogged me my entire life...whereas Bipolar and its excesses are only a few years old.

Wish me luck.