Thankyou Kahless

Actually...thank you to beautiful dreamer as well.

After that last post, I had the weekend to mull things over. So...I did. It wasnt particularly easy...but really not that difficult either, to decide not to go. It was a little harder to tell my husband...however, that ended up being in my own mind.

I told him late yesterday that I didnt want to go. I said that it would just cause to make me a little crazy....and he said...." a lot crazy you mean".

I dont give him enough credit, and I know this for certain now. The discussion went further into the fact that he cannot read my mind, and he is never sure what it is that I really want or dont want. I can see this you know. I dont doubt for a moment what he was telling me, and it makes me feel terrible that I would even put him in this postion. I know he doesnt really understand the impact that my youth had on me, but I do know he is aware that I can get pretty off kilter pretty damn easy.

Several years ago, we travelled a full 2 days of straight driving to go home to visit. (yes..thats how long it takes to drive) I stayed overnight after arriving around dinner time, and wanted to leave early the next morning. We did leave, and he didnt scold or berate me in any way for that, so on most levels, he tries to be accomodating.

I did tell him that I would be glad to book a flight for him to go on his own, but he declined. He said he didnt mind not going at all....and that we would get pictures. My god...I make such mountains out of mole hills sometimes.....no...all the time!

Anyhow...thankyou Kahless. Without your responses to the previous posts, I most likely wouldnt have given the entire thing much thought. I am beginning to think there is a part of me, that causes this kind of drama...just to further punish myself. Something like that anyway, but whatever it is, I have to take a good look at it.

Remembrances

I have been reading this morning, some of the blogs I frequent. Specifically, Enola and Beautiful Dreamer.

Both of these ladies have jogged, or perhaps jarred is the word, my memories and feelings. This isn't a bad thing, as I realize that I tend to shove things away somewhere, and they surface at very inopportune times. For example, I am leaving next Wednesday to return to my home province, family and friends. Its usually at those times that I struggle.

Perhaps if I write some of this down, it wont happen, or it wont be so bad as to once again make me look to be so off kilter. My reactions to home and to family are strange sometimes, and of course I have never explained why. The reasons are many, but the main one is fear. Fear that I wont be believed by them...or that what I say will alienate them. Why should I care? I live far away, and I have a right to heal....no? Nice words I suppose, but I am still afraid.

Enola talked about food issues. For many years I drove everyone who cares about me crazy because of it. I starved myself, or I threw up everything I ate. Truly, I dont know how I functioned, and yet I did.

I did more than function....I excelled. An over achiever to beat all over achievers...thats me. It looked like I had the world at my feet...like I had it all together, and yet here I was starving myself, almost killing myself.

The first time I knew for sure, why I had the problem I had, was when my mother and I were visiting my brother and his family. My brother yelled at his daughter at the dinner table, and I sent a glass of water flying, as I choked and gagged. I ran away from the table humiliated, and my mother followed me. She started to cry, as did I, and she told me she knew exactly what the problem was, and in that instant, so did I.

Meals as a kid were horrifying. It started with my dad, who chose that time of day to tell us what we had done wrong that day. Being sensitive, I could always feel my bottom lip start to quiver. He would look right at me, and tell me that if I cried, I was to leave the table. I dont know how many kids could sit there and not cry after that. I would leave the table, hungry.

We had to eat even what we didnt like. My mother tried to ensure that she cooked accordingly, but sometimes he wanted things we didnt like. I left the table, hungry.

Later, my step father came along. He was a brute. He was so abusive I cant even begin to tell you. He bought foods we were NOT allowed to have. Danger danger danger, to anyone who touched anything like that!

On many occasions he up ended our table. He didnt like how his steak was cooked...my mother said something he didnt like...on and on and on.

There was sexual abuse too. Various people from the age of 3 that I can remember. There are somethings I cant look at, let alone put in my mouth, and that is all I will say about that.

Enola talked about mouth noises at the table, and boy, can I relate to that! I hate it...drives me crazy, and keeps me from enjoying a meal with many different people.

Beauty talked about not feeling like she has a home. I worked for a long time with the homeless population in Toronto. Even though I had a home, and the things that went along with that, I often felt like I was homeless. I think its a state of mind more than anything else. A sense of belonging is so important to human beings.

I was always so sensitive, so different from my sister and brothers, that I was often made fun of. Once my parents divorced they remarried...and I didnt feel like I belonged in either home. My step father was sexually, physically and emotionally abusive, and my step mom, outright told me, that she didnt want me around. Oh, it was different when I was an adult, then I was the one she called to take her places....to do do do for her. And stupid me, I wanted to belong, so I did it!

I know that feeling of not belonging so well. The only time and place I have not felt it, is here...where I live now, so far away from everyone. My husband, 2 dogs and I. I feel like I belong here.

I'm feeling a bit of rage right now. Its not right, and its not fair. I should feel that I belong with my sister, and with my brothers. I should feel just as good as them...that I am worth just as much, and I dont. That is the cold dark truth, and I dont know what to do to change that fact.

Its been a long while since this has bubbled up...and its probably good that its happening now. I realize...this is what happens....exactly what I feel, every time I go home. Maybe I can get it out of my system before heading home.

Interesting weekend -**some of this may be triggering**

I received a call from my sister this weekend. It was a nice call, but one that I really had to swallow hard a few times, and just listen. I could not allow myself to get upset, as I had been missing her...and wanted desperately to speak with her.

This is the first time we have spoken in a year. We hadnt had an arguement, nothing happened...we just didnt speak.

I called a few times, left a message...sent birthday and Christmas cards...even wrote a letter. She said she got the cards, but not the letter, which confuses me, because I sent it to the same address.

Anyhow...my sis is a doll, but she is aggressive. I think she was feeling like me...bad...about not speaking. She operates on the "best defense is an offense" style....and proceeded to give me grief about not contacting her. I didnt have the inclination...no..the energy to say "right back at ya"...and it would have only served to drive a bit of a wedge and I didnt want that. I love her very much, and I know she loves me, so we will just call it a draw. Now...I will call her this coming weekend, and we can have a pleasant chat.

I have started tormenting my husband to move away from where we currently live. Its an extremely unhealthy place...at least for me. We have about 16, 000 people in our community. Its certainly not big enough to have the kind of crime that we experience. Since last November, we have had several murders, and 3 rapes. One of those rapes was a lovely 22 year old girl that was almost killed during the attack. Her rapist implaled her with a crowbar, and these rapes are apparently an initiation process for young gang members. We now have several gangs who have moved their business here, due to money in this community. Our town has one of the highest standards of living in the country...due to high wages. Because the mines pay so much, every other business also has to pay higher wages. Imagine a student earning 15.00 per hour at McDonalds!

Last week, not far from here, a young man was beheaded on the greyhound bus. Its made international news, so some may have heard. Its the stuff of nightmares...and I can hardly even imagine such a thing. Obviously, the man who did this is mentally ill. Now...folks will start talking about how we should all be locked up. I had someone tell me last Friday, that the person was probably bipolar! I didnt know what to say....or what to do. There are so many people who just have no idea about mental illness...what it is, what it isnt. They dont understand that a mentally ill person is more apt to be harmed....than to harm someone else. It does happen of course, as we see from last weeks events....but its not as often as folks think.

Anyhow...I really hope that there isnt a backlash now, against those of us who have bipolar, schizophrenia...or other illnesses. Time will tell.

Ugh...not much news...and rereading my post, I am not even sure I should leave it up. I will .....I know that you will understand that I just had to get it out.

Laurie