My beloved Finnegan

It has taken me 3 days to write this post. Those of you who know me a little from blogging, know that I have...or rather had 2 dogs. Finnegan was a miniature poodle..smart as could be. Casey is a Shi Tsu, smart as well, but very stubborn.

These dogs were my life saver, during times of depression especially. Yes, I have a husband, but when I could not even talk...or if I was afraid of saying exactly what I was thinking, I had my girls to pet and share all my secrets with.

Finn was hit by a car on Nov. 11. In all likelyhood, she was unaware, and was killed instantly. She bolted through my legs as I was coming in from going to the grocery store. Mike was outside, and immediately called for her to come home. Because she listened so well....she tried to do just that. She ran quickly across the road, just as a car came and she went right under the back wheels. What hurst so badly, is the driver did not even stop.

Mike spent an hour in the garage alone with her...as she loved him best of everybody. He adored her too...as did I, but she really was his dog. Casey, the other dog, is pining, and grieving badly. I finally got her to eat, and to sit for one of her favourite bisquits today, and I gave her Finn's stuffed elephant. Casey never played with it before, but she has been toting it from room to room today.

The big news and the most frightening for me, is Mike will be having open heart surgery next Thurs. We are both scared, but we have immense trust in the cardiac surgeon. He is an aggressive young man...but not in the least arrogant. With physicians the two usually go hand in hand, but this fellow is different. Please...those of you who pray...please do so for Mike...for those of you who do not...just give him a thought or 2 next week.

I saw my pdoc. My meds are changed. I have sisnce noticed a slight change, but I know it will take it awhile before they are working at full effect. I am confident this will work, as the rapid cycling has just got to stop. I cannot tolerate it any longer...nor can the people who have to be involved with me.

Thats it I guess. I want to go to sleep early tonight. I have kitchen cupboards to clean tomorrow, and I hate that job more than anything.

Love to you all.

Laurie

Apologies, confessions and so much more

I have so much to Say, that I don't even know where to start. Things have been bad, worse that they have for a very long time. Sometimes I think it was easier when I didn't know I was bipolar. I could have lived with the "bitch" title...and the "there she goes again...depressed, what the hell is wrong with her".

In some ways the knowing is much worse, because instead of viewing myself as bad, I know I am ill and I know what I have to do to fix it.

The mania this time was filled with rage. I raged at a counselor whom I respect, about all kinds of things. I did this via email, so I felt an extra layer of safety.

A couple of weeks have gone by and I am not not able to move from a prone postion. I have a plan for suicide, but it seems once I voice it, it makes it null and void. My plan was to fill my car with gas...poke a hole in m tail pipe....have rags to stuff in it...go for a ride into the bush. I would take a book I love, and read until I just fell asleep. Nothing about life feels worth it. People would be better off...really. I am not just saying that, its true.

My kids and the thought of them is enough to give me pause, but my fear is one day I will not allow myself to go there in my head. What a disgusting mother.

PTSD has kicked in full force, and for no apparent reason. I am paranoid. Certain smells are causing terror....having to go out into public makes my legs buckle....for a vain person, I am not taking very good care of myself. What is comeing up for me....what is trying to break through. Whatever it is, I am not ready.

Then there is the stress of my husband. We are waiting to hear when he has his open heart surgery, and of course I worry.

My meds are not working....not one bit, I sleep about 2 hours a night, I have lost 27 pounds.....and I have no energy;

I have no more to say tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Laurie

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

I set out each day with the promise to myself to blog even if it is just a little bit. As luck would have it, time just has not been on my side.

I have been keeping up with all the blogs I read, but I have even slacked off in the comments. I feel like they are all so far ahead of me in healing areas....while I just seem to put one foot in front of the other...slowly.

Hubby is still seriously ill, so that has me very stressed. He had testing done this summer that showed about 6 blockages in his main arteries, and the only thing they can do is open heart surgery. Poor guy is practically living on nitro tablets. He has lost a huge amount of weight, so that is good insofar as the surgery itself. We are hoping they call us in November or December to go into the hospital, and you can bet I will be right by his side.

I lost over 27 pounds this summer, and I did not have them to lose. I gained a few back, and am now 98.5 pounds. I need to get back to at least 120 pounds to remain healthy.

I know I am the most boring blogger around, but my head is just too filled with things that I cannot seem to articulate in any shape of fashion. Maybe once hubby is doing better, that will change.

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

Waiting So Long Between Posts

I don't know why I do it. I promise myself everyday I will write something...and by the time I visit all my blogger pals, I just don't feel like it. Or...I often feel like what I have to say is irrelevant.

It finally dawned on me, that this blog is for me. Its here so that I can express myself about anything that I want. I can let my feelings and thoughts be known, and the only thing I really have to worry about is being honest...very important....and not being afraid of nasty commenters. I always admire the people who blog and get those nasties and do one of two things. They either ignore them...or they respond in a perfectly rational way. lol...I tend to not be rational when upset, so I am afraid of what I might say. My intent is to have people visit me...say what they want and not be afraid to speak their mind. I just need to learn to respond properly.

There is one blog I visit regarding adoption. It's a lovely blog about a lovely family who has adopted I think 7 children internationally. They also have 4 of their own, and will be adopting one more from the Ukraine. The mom is a great blogger...but oh my! I have never seen such defensive behaviour on a blog. Anytime she is disagreed with, her retorts are sassy to the point of feeling sarcastic...very icky in my opinion. I am not talking about people commenting saying mean things either. I am talking about differences in perspective. However...this blog post is not about that.

I also read some great progressive Alaskan blogs. Those folks are amazing! One has a radio program on Saturday evenings and I always tune in. I have even gotten the nerve to call her open line...when I can get through. These people are witty...caring...and very politically savvy.

This past winter was extremely hard for Native Alaskans for a variety of reasons. At one point, through the blogs we readers discovered that many had to choose between food and heating oil. Bloggers and commenters from all over the world sent care packages and money and parcels arrived and were dispersed to the villagers in need. Governor Palin? She took a trip to visit with a whack job minister, (sorry...I don't think all ministers are whack jobs) and homemade cookies...AFTER everybody else did the heavy lifting.

When the ice on the mighty Yukon river began to break up...it literally broke up...pulverized actually...entire communities. Homes..businesses...everything. Once more the blogs sent out the clarion call....and we bloggers and commenters got to work again. Governor Palin..??? Not really sure she did much.

Recently, on one of my fav Alaskan blogs, someone using anonymous (of course) has been telling Canadians to mind their own business when it comes to US politics. At first I thought...oh well...they can say what they want I suppose.

Then I got a bit ticked off. I decided to vent on my own blog, rather than do that on my Progressive friends blog...so this is it.

As a Canadian...some Americans piss me off. I am tired of all the ridiculous things said about my country...our health care....our gun control....blah blah blah.

We ...like the US value free speech. We do not value it however...when that "liberty" is used to incite hatred and violence against someone of a different colour...a different religion or sexual orientation. We have laws for " hate speech"...for that is what it is. Free speech be damned. Be accountable for what you say, and you can have all the free speech you want.

Yes..Canadians pay higher taxes and it pays for universal health care. That means the homeless man down the street gets to have a doctor...gets to have surgery if he needs it...gets tests if he needs them...gets put in hospital if he needs it....gets medications requiried....can go to alcohol and drug treatment. A few extra dollars less off my paycheque is worth that to me. I am sure it is worth it to anyone with any humanity.

Yes..sometimes wait times are long. In my experience this is for elective things...although I know it happens for needed things too. This doesn't occur is the states...with private insurance?? Please...I am not that stupid. Of course it does.

I love Rick Mercer, but when he takes his act to the states, and a university prof. from Harvard, actually signs a petition to "force the Canadian Government to halt the annual Saskatchewan Seal hunt"...I am disgusted. Or when someone thinks that Wayne Gretzky is our "president". Or..one of our provinces is "Toronto". Or...congratulating us on the fact that we have our first national newspaper. One governor when asked by Mercer if he thought Canada should have a navy...he said ..sure why not. Mercer then asked where would we put our ships, ( most normal folks know we live between both the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, and that we have a grand navy)
was told that perhaps Florida or some such place would let our ships sit there.

I live in remote northern Manitoba. I have been asked however, inane questions like "do you know so and so who lives near the big gas station outside of Toronto?" Please believe me....this is true.

Many americans know nothing about us. Even Obama's new homeland secretary...Napolitano..stated when she was in Canada a few weeks ago...that the 9/11 high jackers came through Canada. WTH??? She didn't know they all had US visas. She didn't know they all learned to fly in American flight schools? Un freaking beleivable.

People...what happens in the United States affects Canada. It affects everybody everywhere. Just look at the economy and tell me differently. (I am just grateful for wonderful Canadian banking laws) I have seen many online articles where Americans are free to comment on us. I am just as free to comment on American politics. Perhaps more, because I have at the very least learned something about the country...about the people...and most certainly about their politics.

I will not disregard anyone who criticized my country...as long as they have done their homework too...and not just spout off the latest talking points. Learn about who we are....what we believe in and why. We are not perfect...we have a long way to go. Canadians will debate though....and we listen. We will not dismiss you out of hand, and certainly will not tell you to mind your own business. I'm sorry...but there is an irony in that statement. An american saying "mind your own business"....interesting indeed. Iraq????

Thanks for listening...I feel a bit better. I am not meaning to offend, I am just speaking my own truth. I am sure not every Canadian feels as I do, but most of us would really love it if silly things about our country would just stop being said.

Rest assured...the government does not get between me and my doc....and the government is not coming to take away hubbys guns. Sheesh...

Have a great day....sun is finally coming out now.

An Arab Woman Blues. Reflections in a sealed bottle...

An Arab Woman Blues. Reflections in a sealed bottle...

Dreary day...

but...it is spring at least. This has been a winter to end all winters. Temps hung around 52C for about 2 and 1/2 months, and we got a great deal of snow. Because it is always so cold here in the winter, we usually don't get dumped with a huge amount of the white stuff. This year we got both!

Its kind of a drizzly day...raining actually. Thats alright though, because it gets rid of the snow that is left that is so dirty from all the traffic etc.

I'm feeling fairly good actually. I still have not been taking the mood stabilizers. Its been awhile now, and no manic sessions to deal with. I cannot bring myself to stop the anti depressants though. I am far too chicken for that. Normal everyday life can be hard enough, without depression that never seems to lift. The type that makes you crawl under the covers. The kind that won't let you read...or watch tv...or read blogs...or talk to anyone.

Another blogger I read speaks about the "crying place". I wonder if my "place" is similar. I dont really know. I dont spend time crying when depressed....I dont have even the energy or the desire. I just feel nothing at all....and that is such a scary place to be.

However...that is not where I am at the moment.

I am getting very excited to go and visit my daughter and grandkids in May. I am taking 10 days, and flying out to just enjoy some quality time with them. I had hoped to make the trip this summer, when hubby could come with me...but he wants to do something else in the summer, so I will go in May.

I dont like to fly though. I will have to think of something so that I am not so scared. Its funny...because I am so nervous, I am always the one that gets patted down and really scrutinzed at security. I get mad...hubby laughs. Its really not funny...but I dont know how to change it. I wish I drank....perhaps being drunk would help...or not. That would most likely get me tossed off the plane.

Anyway, I am really just prattling today. Nothing to say....but so much to read, so back to my blog pals. I am so in love with them!