I have so much to Say, that I don't even know where to start. Things have been bad, worse that they have for a very long time. Sometimes I think it was easier when I didn't know I was bipolar. I could have lived with the "bitch" title...and the "there she goes again...depressed, what the hell is wrong with her".
In some ways the knowing is much worse, because instead of viewing myself as bad, I know I am ill and I know what I have to do to fix it.
The mania this time was filled with rage. I raged at a counselor whom I respect, about all kinds of things. I did this via email, so I felt an extra layer of safety.
A couple of weeks have gone by and I am not not able to move from a prone postion. I have a plan for suicide, but it seems once I voice it, it makes it null and void. My plan was to fill my car with gas...poke a hole in m tail pipe....have rags to stuff in it...go for a ride into the bush. I would take a book I love, and read until I just fell asleep. Nothing about life feels worth it. People would be better off...really. I am not just saying that, its true.
My kids and the thought of them is enough to give me pause, but my fear is one day I will not allow myself to go there in my head. What a disgusting mother.
PTSD has kicked in full force, and for no apparent reason. I am paranoid. Certain smells are causing terror....having to go out into public makes my legs buckle....for a vain person, I am not taking very good care of myself. What is comeing up for me....what is trying to break through. Whatever it is, I am not ready.
Then there is the stress of my husband. We are waiting to hear when he has his open heart surgery, and of course I worry.
My meds are not working....not one bit, I sleep about 2 hours a night, I have lost 27 pounds.....and I have no energy;
I have no more to say tonight. Maybe tomorrow.
Laurie
Poetry Book
4 years ago
5 comments:
I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time.
I am thinking of you. Please stay with us and please keep talking on your blog.
xx.
((safe hugs)) I've been there. Keep writing. Keep venting to your therapist. Keep talking. It helps, I promise.
sending hugs an care please keep writing
PTSD doesn't kick in for no reason. There is usually a trigger. I hope you will be able to find out what has brought this on and find a way to get help with it. I know how miserable it is. I'm so sorry things are so bad right now.
Life can be really hard at times. I suffer periodic depression . I have had recurring suicidal thoughts most of my life. It is when I think of the pain it would inflict on others who do not deserv it that I pause and hang on until it is better. As depressed as I am I know it will get better.
Keep in touch with your support system and take whatever medicine you must.
I wish for you courage. Sometimes life just demands courage from us.
There are those who want you and do not want you to harm yourself in any way.
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