I have been doing very well not taking the mood stabilizers. I am not one to dx myself, but I am starting to absolutely believe that I didnt need that med. The anti depressant yes...and I will never stop that because of my terror of the depressions I have had.
Anyhow...thats not the purpose of this blog. I have received much encouragement of late from blog pals to continue writing. The nervousnes of saying the wrong...or perhaps even stupid things has started to lesson.
Something deep inside me has been stirring. I have started doing things I havent done for so so long. This will sound crazy, and perhaps to some, not that important, but I have begun to take more of an interest in my appearance. I have many nice clothes, but was always just jumping out of the shower and throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweater for work. My employer isnt upset by that...he doesnt even notice what I wear...just cares that my work is done in a capable manner.
What I wondered...was all this about. The taking care with choosing my clothes...the new methods of skin care...the applying of makeup...the desire to let my hair grow long enough to play around with it a little bit. Its not I can assure you...and desire to look good for someone else. I think...and again I dont know if this sounds reasonable...its a way to show my husband how much I care.
I am married to the most wonderful and loyal man. He loves me no matter what...but I havent been putting much effort into my relationship with him for a long time now. The little things count I believe.
Recently...he has been having severe chest pain, that the docs gave him nitro for. I have changed both our diets significantly....he has lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks...due to his food changes, and he is working out 3 days a week. I dont mind telling you though, that until all his test results come back, I am afraid. His blood pressure is awful, and the day they gave him the nitro his blood pressure was 229 over 172. I know the docs were scared that day. Of course Mike is stubborn...and refuses to miss even 5 min of work.."sigh"
He goes for a stress test on the 16th. These tests can take awhile to arrange, but I went to his doc with him, and I was very blunt and just a tad angry. I did this...because I believe we all need someone to advocate for us with docs and hospitals.
I think what it did, was trigger the memory of my mothers death. I was not with her in the hospital...for which my guilt is horrendous. Had I been there....I would have been able to notice that her blood sugar was dropping and she needed help. I would have pounded desks if I had to....and I believe my mother would still be alive. She had a mastectomy...and I wanted to be there, but I lived far away, and she told me she wanted me to come when they discharged her...which would have only been 2 more days. Against my better judgement...I listened. I have paid a price for that for the last 10 years. Sorry...got off track...this isnt about my mom...its about Mike, and my concern for him.
Any how....I am trying to ensure that when he comes home to his new diet foods...he also comes home to a wife who tries to look as attractive as she can for him. Perhaps this is too much info...especially for a Sunday...but I have even become the aggressor in the bedroom....a far cry from my earlier nature. To see the ways his eyes light up with delight makes me happy.
I want him to know just how much I love him....that I will do all it takes to keep him healthy and happy....and that life would be not worth much without him. Its a shame it takes a scare or illness for this to happen in a relationship...but I know that if often does.
My hope is for all of you....to enjoy your relationships. To get up each day, grateful and happy to be with the person you are in a relationship with. Have a great Sunday my friends.
Poetry Book
4 years ago
4 comments:
I try to influence my mood by dressing smart for work. I think it can make a difference. I also wear really bright colours. I have even started polishing my shoes. My hair is a problem though; really unruly. I like a long fringe to hide behind so I hate going to the hairdressers in case they cut it too short at the front.
I am sorry your husband is not well; I hope you can get his blood pressure normalised soon. I am really glad you are in a happy reationship. It is important.
My partner keeps me grounded.
I hope your husband can keep up the good work of losing weight. I'm sure it will help his health a lot. I'm glad you can be there for him.
Kahless...its so great that Mrs. K keeps you grounded. Mike does that for me too...which is one of the greatest reasons for my fear of losing him.
Lynn...thank you for your kind words. Dingbat that I am, I did not realize until the other day you had a new blog and I was missing you. Glad to have found you again.
Laurie
There are several things I wanted to respond to here; I hope I remember them all.
I've noticed it's very important for my morale to keep up with my appearance. I have no one to look special for, but if I take the time every day to wear make-up it makes me feel less depressed and . . . hopeless.
I find it endearing that you want to demonstrate your love for your husband my changing your appearance, cooking healthier meals, and taking the initiative in the bedroom. It's obvious you love him very much.
Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention was this. You really can't carry the blame for what happened with your mother and grandmother. You can't be everywhere at once. I know it is because of your love for them that you carry this heavy burden, but I hope that eventually you will decide to extend grace to yourself, and forgive yourself for what you perceive to be your failings in these relationships.
Beauty
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