Thankyou Kahless

Actually...thank you to beautiful dreamer as well.

After that last post, I had the weekend to mull things over. So...I did. It wasnt particularly easy...but really not that difficult either, to decide not to go. It was a little harder to tell my husband...however, that ended up being in my own mind.

I told him late yesterday that I didnt want to go. I said that it would just cause to make me a little crazy....and he said...." a lot crazy you mean".

I dont give him enough credit, and I know this for certain now. The discussion went further into the fact that he cannot read my mind, and he is never sure what it is that I really want or dont want. I can see this you know. I dont doubt for a moment what he was telling me, and it makes me feel terrible that I would even put him in this postion. I know he doesnt really understand the impact that my youth had on me, but I do know he is aware that I can get pretty off kilter pretty damn easy.

Several years ago, we travelled a full 2 days of straight driving to go home to visit. (yes..thats how long it takes to drive) I stayed overnight after arriving around dinner time, and wanted to leave early the next morning. We did leave, and he didnt scold or berate me in any way for that, so on most levels, he tries to be accomodating.

I did tell him that I would be glad to book a flight for him to go on his own, but he declined. He said he didnt mind not going at all....and that we would get pictures. My god...I make such mountains out of mole hills sometimes.....no...all the time!

Anyhow...thankyou Kahless. Without your responses to the previous posts, I most likely wouldnt have given the entire thing much thought. I am beginning to think there is a part of me, that causes this kind of drama...just to further punish myself. Something like that anyway, but whatever it is, I have to take a good look at it.

Remembrances

I have been reading this morning, some of the blogs I frequent. Specifically, Enola and Beautiful Dreamer.

Both of these ladies have jogged, or perhaps jarred is the word, my memories and feelings. This isn't a bad thing, as I realize that I tend to shove things away somewhere, and they surface at very inopportune times. For example, I am leaving next Wednesday to return to my home province, family and friends. Its usually at those times that I struggle.

Perhaps if I write some of this down, it wont happen, or it wont be so bad as to once again make me look to be so off kilter. My reactions to home and to family are strange sometimes, and of course I have never explained why. The reasons are many, but the main one is fear. Fear that I wont be believed by them...or that what I say will alienate them. Why should I care? I live far away, and I have a right to heal....no? Nice words I suppose, but I am still afraid.

Enola talked about food issues. For many years I drove everyone who cares about me crazy because of it. I starved myself, or I threw up everything I ate. Truly, I dont know how I functioned, and yet I did.

I did more than function....I excelled. An over achiever to beat all over achievers...thats me. It looked like I had the world at my feet...like I had it all together, and yet here I was starving myself, almost killing myself.

The first time I knew for sure, why I had the problem I had, was when my mother and I were visiting my brother and his family. My brother yelled at his daughter at the dinner table, and I sent a glass of water flying, as I choked and gagged. I ran away from the table humiliated, and my mother followed me. She started to cry, as did I, and she told me she knew exactly what the problem was, and in that instant, so did I.

Meals as a kid were horrifying. It started with my dad, who chose that time of day to tell us what we had done wrong that day. Being sensitive, I could always feel my bottom lip start to quiver. He would look right at me, and tell me that if I cried, I was to leave the table. I dont know how many kids could sit there and not cry after that. I would leave the table, hungry.

We had to eat even what we didnt like. My mother tried to ensure that she cooked accordingly, but sometimes he wanted things we didnt like. I left the table, hungry.

Later, my step father came along. He was a brute. He was so abusive I cant even begin to tell you. He bought foods we were NOT allowed to have. Danger danger danger, to anyone who touched anything like that!

On many occasions he up ended our table. He didnt like how his steak was cooked...my mother said something he didnt like...on and on and on.

There was sexual abuse too. Various people from the age of 3 that I can remember. There are somethings I cant look at, let alone put in my mouth, and that is all I will say about that.

Enola talked about mouth noises at the table, and boy, can I relate to that! I hate it...drives me crazy, and keeps me from enjoying a meal with many different people.

Beauty talked about not feeling like she has a home. I worked for a long time with the homeless population in Toronto. Even though I had a home, and the things that went along with that, I often felt like I was homeless. I think its a state of mind more than anything else. A sense of belonging is so important to human beings.

I was always so sensitive, so different from my sister and brothers, that I was often made fun of. Once my parents divorced they remarried...and I didnt feel like I belonged in either home. My step father was sexually, physically and emotionally abusive, and my step mom, outright told me, that she didnt want me around. Oh, it was different when I was an adult, then I was the one she called to take her places....to do do do for her. And stupid me, I wanted to belong, so I did it!

I know that feeling of not belonging so well. The only time and place I have not felt it, is here...where I live now, so far away from everyone. My husband, 2 dogs and I. I feel like I belong here.

I'm feeling a bit of rage right now. Its not right, and its not fair. I should feel that I belong with my sister, and with my brothers. I should feel just as good as them...that I am worth just as much, and I dont. That is the cold dark truth, and I dont know what to do to change that fact.

Its been a long while since this has bubbled up...and its probably good that its happening now. I realize...this is what happens....exactly what I feel, every time I go home. Maybe I can get it out of my system before heading home.

Interesting weekend -**some of this may be triggering**

I received a call from my sister this weekend. It was a nice call, but one that I really had to swallow hard a few times, and just listen. I could not allow myself to get upset, as I had been missing her...and wanted desperately to speak with her.

This is the first time we have spoken in a year. We hadnt had an arguement, nothing happened...we just didnt speak.

I called a few times, left a message...sent birthday and Christmas cards...even wrote a letter. She said she got the cards, but not the letter, which confuses me, because I sent it to the same address.

Anyhow...my sis is a doll, but she is aggressive. I think she was feeling like me...bad...about not speaking. She operates on the "best defense is an offense" style....and proceeded to give me grief about not contacting her. I didnt have the inclination...no..the energy to say "right back at ya"...and it would have only served to drive a bit of a wedge and I didnt want that. I love her very much, and I know she loves me, so we will just call it a draw. Now...I will call her this coming weekend, and we can have a pleasant chat.

I have started tormenting my husband to move away from where we currently live. Its an extremely unhealthy place...at least for me. We have about 16, 000 people in our community. Its certainly not big enough to have the kind of crime that we experience. Since last November, we have had several murders, and 3 rapes. One of those rapes was a lovely 22 year old girl that was almost killed during the attack. Her rapist implaled her with a crowbar, and these rapes are apparently an initiation process for young gang members. We now have several gangs who have moved their business here, due to money in this community. Our town has one of the highest standards of living in the country...due to high wages. Because the mines pay so much, every other business also has to pay higher wages. Imagine a student earning 15.00 per hour at McDonalds!

Last week, not far from here, a young man was beheaded on the greyhound bus. Its made international news, so some may have heard. Its the stuff of nightmares...and I can hardly even imagine such a thing. Obviously, the man who did this is mentally ill. Now...folks will start talking about how we should all be locked up. I had someone tell me last Friday, that the person was probably bipolar! I didnt know what to say....or what to do. There are so many people who just have no idea about mental illness...what it is, what it isnt. They dont understand that a mentally ill person is more apt to be harmed....than to harm someone else. It does happen of course, as we see from last weeks events....but its not as often as folks think.

Anyhow...I really hope that there isnt a backlash now, against those of us who have bipolar, schizophrenia...or other illnesses. Time will tell.

Ugh...not much news...and rereading my post, I am not even sure I should leave it up. I will .....I know that you will understand that I just had to get it out.

Laurie

Home and not so rested

Well....we had a lovely time. Lovely...but tiring. This getting old business is for the birds....but its life I suppose. I used to be able to drive and travel for days and days. I love seeing new places and meeting new people....but I found this trip, any more than four or five hours in the car and I was whining. Literally.

The North Dakota state fair was fun, and if one likes to people watch, ( I love it) then a venue like this is perfect! I also did a great deal of shopping. The Canadian dollar is almost par with the US dollar now, so I did get some great bargains.

I took my laptop, but some of the hotels we stayed in did not have wireless....so I had to wait until I returned home to get updated on all my blog pals. LOL...its funny....but I missed them. Checking in with them every day is very much like calling a friend...well they are friends in every sense of the word so why am I surprised.

I must say....Kahless has a garden to die for! It is unbelievable that garden....and she has spent her holiday sprucing it up. The pictures were so nice, and made me look at my own pathetic flowers at home with little more than disgust. I am much better than I used to be though....I am learning to at least keep them watered.

Today is a funny day. I am kind of stuck in an in between place. I am not manic...and I would not say I was depressed...but I am feeling something. Or is it something that I am not feeling? See what I mean...a very strange mood indeed.

I am really lonely...that I know for sure, but I could not really say for whom or for what. I have been thinking about my mother a lot lately...missing her. Realizing there is so much I need to tell her. Things that have happened in the last few years that I wish she could comment on.

Usually mothers are the glue that holds a family together. That was certainly true in my case...although if asked about this before she died, I would have said..."no..my family is close just because". Well...that idea is proven wrong. I have spoken to my sister only once this last year....my youngest brother only a couple of times.

I live very far away from them...but still...that is no excuse. I know I need to do something about this ....but not sure what. I dont have anything to say really....and they arent calling me, so obviously, they dont either. It happened slowly...it didnt occur right after mother died. We just all slowly stopped communicating. Life happens....we go on doing our own thing. My mother made the effort to try and get everyone together a couple of times a year....and we dont seem to have that kind of drive. None of us are angry with each other....we love each other....but our lives have diverged.

On another note....I have my damned furnace on at home! I was freezing when I got out of the shower this morning, so I turned it on and up....and when I went home at lunch it was still cold outside so I left it on. We get early winters here...and we really dont get fall...(or spring for that matter) so by September it is not unusual to have snow. I think that this year will be one of those times, that we are snowed in well before Halloween. The joys of living in the land of the Northern Lights.

I am a northern girl....from Northern Ontario originally. Northern Manitoboa is different though. It isnt pretty here...at least not to my eye. Its all permafrost...and its bleak. I am here for another 5 years anyway...until hubby and I retire. I retire first...3 more years...then I get to sit around and wait for him to be done...but it could be worse. I need to be thankful that we have a good life generally. I forget that sometimes...and can act like a spoiled brat I am afraid.

Its good to be home...I missed my dogs. They were none the worse for wear though, and well taken care of. They follow us from room to room now though, as if to let us know that we wont get away on them this time. They are so cute and so funny.

I have a couple of blog post ideas running through my head. I will post them, but I just want to get them straight in my head first.

Thank you to all my blog friends who have ventured over to comment and say hello.

The end of the week musings

Its Friday...and that means the weekend. This Friday, it also means the beginning of 10 days of this years vacation.



I have broken vacation up this year, into 3 segments. I am taking 10 days now, and we are going to travel to the states by car. I love this kind of vacation. We drive each day until we are tired, and then find a nice place to stay. We try to stop early enough to venture out and see whatever local sights might be available. Mike is an excellent companion for me in so many ways, but especially this.



We are in sync when it comes to holidays and he is so funny and knows how to make me laugh. I am usually the navigator...and I always get us lost. He thinks I do it on purpose...perhaps I do. Sometimes I drive...but not often.



I am taking another week in September to go away for a wedding, and then he and I want to go somewhere hot this winter. Winters where I live are long, cold and dark. It begins at the end of September, and is not over until mid June. Our temps are 50 degrees celsius. Very very cold. We need to have a break from that in January or February.



Being bipolar really isnt dependent on the seasons like some other types of depression. What I have found though, is that even though I am a rapid cycler...it is much worse in the winter months. Last winter was horrid.



It has been very quiet at work today. Perhaps because so many people are on vacation....not sure.



So....as I sit at my desk, I have been reading blogs. I read these blogs every evening, but today I got to peruse them a great deal. Some of them have a very religious slant to them. Thats NOT the reason I read them however.



I read them because of the blogger, and the stories that each have to share. Today though, I was thinking. Thinking, and feeling a little something that felt like envy. I wish I could believe everything so easily. I wish I could have the kind of faith that some of these women have.



Its real for them too. Its not something that they are just saying for the heck of it. Its real for them, and it seems to me that is has impacted their lives in such a positive way.



I do believe in God....or something. I wouldnt really know what to call it. I also have convinced myself that there is a better place than here....and that I will get to see my loved ones there after death. I believe this because the grief is overwhelming, and I need something to hold onto.



I dont know....I get confused. I have a difficult time looking at the things that happen in the world to people....and I wonder, where is God in all of this? Why do innocent children have to starve....why do innocent people have to die in a war fought for oil or money to line some fat cats pocket? Cause lets face it....thats usually why wars are fought. Weapons of mass destruction be damned!



Too much happens, and if I hear when "life gives lemons...make lemondade" one more time in reference to God....I will scream. In truth, I would like to have the strength of character that so many of those posters do.

I live by the golden rule...well I attempt to at any rate. Its a good rule to live by, but I would like to walk everyday with certainty and peace that many people with strong faith do.

Now...its time to go and pack..play with my dogs for a bit. Poor things are being babysat. We usually take them, but like people who have small children, (because thats what our pets are to us) we felt like time alone.

I will take my laptop I think. Would hate to go into blog withdrawal while away.

Ok....I have decided

that it is time to start to fulfill the promise to myself and get this journal up and running. I always have lots to say, so I am not sure why it has taken me so long to get going.

I just had to finish that previous post, as I had been thinking about it for a few weeks now. There was so much I wanted to say...and could not find the words. Perhaps I will find them, if I blog every day.

I really dont care if anyone reads or not. I am writing this for me....and perhaps down the road for my kids, if I find that I have anything to say that maybe they didnt know...or that I think they may find interesting.

I also am getting a move on, because of a prompt from one of my very favourite bloggers. Kahless is someone I read every day. I like her spirit....I like her fight. She just keeps going no matter what happens. I want to be like her when I grow up, so thought I should just jump in.

I have several bloggers ...some of which I have listed in the sidebar. I will get the rest up soon. If you are interested in how people "come back" from huge life struggles, then all of these folks will amaze you.

One of the bloggers, Andrea AKA Punk Rock Mommy, lost her battle last Saturday with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I have been in awe of this woman, and would encourage you to go and take a look at her blog. What a truly beautiful Andrea is. I know she is in heaven....I have no doubts about that. I am not someone who goes to church regularly....but I believe with all my heart that He is there.

I have made myself a promise to come here when the urge hits, even if its 10 times a day. I reckon if I do this...then it will get easier and easier to blog.

Casey

On Mothers

I had the most wonderful mother. She was beautiful inside and out, and she loved me and my siblings like crazy.

She was an Elizabeth Taylor look alike, without all the diamonds of course. My mother never had diamonds. She never had much of anything, except for kindness...a wonderful heart, integrity, honesty...and love for her entire extended family.

She was raised in a very loving home. My grandparents were always there...always supportive. I was born out of wedlock in 1953. A time in small town Ontario where this would get you stares and snickers and many things whispered. She kept me...she loved me, and made sure I knew just how much. My grandparents loved me well too....and supported my mother through that trying time.

My mother married when I was a few months old. Not to my father, who was in Korea at the time, but to someone else. The support she received from her family wasnt enough to stave off all the guilt and shame she felt...so being married I think made her feel more " acceptable". My grandparents were against the marriage, for many reasons...but we know how that goes I guess.

My parents had 3 more children, and stayed married for 11 years. During these 11 years, I watched as my mother was beaten both physically and emotionally. My father had affairs...all kinds of ugly stuff when on. He drank...and she did a little too. It was awful growing up in that.

It was a different time than now. The laws did not protect women nor children. Nobody acknowledged child sexual abuse...hell...they didnt even acknowledge domestic violence. I saw that first hand when police would show up and tell my dad to "stop"...and for my mom not to make him so mad. Unbelievable....but so very true. There was no social network to fall back on. There was no place to go with your children....and she would never leave us. There was no welfare to help support us till she could get on her feet...and there certainly was no court or judge that would force a man to pay support. She felt stuck.

I know my grandparents would have helped, but you had to know my mother. She was filled with pride, and since making what she felt was a huge mess of her life...and seeing that her sisters had succeeded....did something to her spirit. She couldnt ask them...was ashamed now of being beaten. The ugly truth is that back then it was shameful....she must have done something to deserve it.

My mother met a man who told her she was beautiful and she was. He was kind to her. He loved her he said, and wanted to give her the life she deserved. She thought he was the answer to her prayers.

She left my dad...taking all of us with her. Now please understand, I loved my father. At this point I believed him to be my father in all respects. I was angry....I was resentful....I wanted my parents to stay together. God help me...I even wished my mom would just be good...so that my dad wouldnt get mad....so that he would stay home more....and we could all stay together. It was not to be.

Later....I will write more of my own story of this time...but this story is my mothers.

My mothers new "partner" turned out to be every bit at bad as my father. Worse in many ways from my perspective because I didnt love him. It didnt take long before he was doing things to me, that no grown man should ever do to a 12 year old girl. It didnt really shock me, as similar things had happened throughout my childhood, when my dad would bring strange men into our home....when the night was long and dark, and nobody was up...except for the "stranger".

I was always filled with so much guilt. What was I doing wrong....why were people like this with me. To this day, a box of Black Magic chocolates makes me sick to my stomach. I rush past the section in the store that sells them for this reason.

Anyhow....my step dad beat my mother...again, physically and emotionally. I watched this beautiful woman grow so small. I watched her become isolated from everyone except her kids.

I loved her so much...wanted her so much to be happy and would have done anything to make it so. I never ever told her about the abuse at her husbands hands. I could not. I will tell you this though....that if I had, I know this would have been the very thing that would have pulled her out of whatever pit she was in, and she would have done something. I would always be chosen over him...and I knew it then, and I know it now.

As I got older....I became far too afraid to tell. Not because of my mother, but my youngest brother. He was only 2 when they got together, and for all intents and purposes he was his son. My brother loved him very much....and step dad loved him. I was a coward and did not want to lose my brother, nor did I want to hurt him.

I went through times when I was angry and resentful. Very much so in fact. I had therapy...years of it. I went to University and studied Social Work. I fit. It was good.

I have worked hard for the last 35 years to get some perspective. I discovered that I dont feel much different today than I did back then in regards to my mother. Did she protect me? She tried...she failed. She failed at a great many things. So did I. I have 2 kids....and I made huge mistakes.

They tell me that no matter what, they knew they were loved...and that they love me very much. Do I wish my life had been different? Thats a hard one. I surely didnt enjoy being abused, but if God had asked me before I was born who I wanted my parents to be, I would still choose the ones I had.

My mother and father (not step dad) did the best they could with what they had. They tried. Thats all any of us can do. I dont even want to think about what it would have been like when I lost my mother, if I was filled with anger and rage. That stuff eats your soul.

As a therapist, I have never ever told a client they needed to "get over it"...."let it go" ...."forgive".....and so many more imbecilic comments. I have not forgiven my abusers...but I do believe I have found a place to put the pain, and the rage. I have used it over the years to my and other peoples benefit, and it has served me in that respect. It has made me more vulnerable to others pain...and that is a good thing in my book.

My anger is reserved for the truly guilty....for the perpetrator. Today...he is well aware of how I feel. Today, I hold the power....such as it is. I dont want power really....just peace, and I am getting there.

Mom....I miss you every day. There is hardly a day goes by that I dont think of you, and wish you were here. I am sorry I didnt tell you all the things you deserved to know. I am sorry I hid things from you. I am pretty sure some of it was selfish on my part, because I couldnt stand the thought of seeing that type of pain on your lovely face. You know my heart mom....you know that I believe....I know where you are....and that you are at peace. I know we will be together again. Until then rest easy, knowing that I am not angry with you. I forgive anything that needs forgiving....and I only remember the good times you and I shared. Every time I take a holiday, I smile...and tell Mike about all of the things you and I did on vacation...the laughs we shared....the love we shared....even the getting lost.

Much love
Casey

Bipolar Wednesday

I just never know when...but I always know it will. I am talking about rapid cycling. God I hate this crap!



I can be so damned normal for quite a while...then all hell breaks loose. Often it happens quickly...but usually these days I can sense it happening before it really does. I think thats because I am so concentrated on checking my emotional stability from day to day. I dont have the luxury of just living my life. I have done far too many outrageous things, said too many horrible things, both of which I have recently done.

I hate this illness. I hate that it consumes so much time, even when I am well. I hate taking the pills....I hate the rages that often times happen. I hate the up up times....because that is when I do the most damage.

My doc asked me what was worse. Depression or mania. Well the depression feels worse of course. Life doesnt feel worth living at those times, but at least I isolate, I dont talk...and I dont do stupid things. The mania is the thing that scares me. Someday...perhaps...I will tell you about that.

Overheard...

Sister in law at lunch time..." how was your morning:

5 year old niece.." it was ok"

SIL..." what are your friends names?"

Niece.." well, there is Karen, Susan, Heather and...Harpreet"

8 year old niece..." Harpreet??? what kind of a name is that?"

SIL...." hush now...its different, she comes from a different country!"

5 year old...." awww...now I know why she is late everyday!"

OPINIONS ARE LIKE....WELL YOU KNOW

I have started..stopped, deleted, and re-started my blog over and over again. I'm not sure why that is, except that I really believe I need to have some kind of theme.

Its ok to go off on tangents once in awhile, and I will surely do that, but I want this to be a place to come to voice my opinions on the things that interest me. Those things/topics are far too numerous to permit me to have a theme...so I will just play it by ear I guess.

In the long run, this blog is a place for me to come back to, in order that I may opine of course...but also to check and see if it is obvious to me that views change from time to time. We will see.

If someone comes to visit, well you are welcome. You can respond to the posts in whichever way you feel you must, but I will reserve the right to remove a post that I feel was made just to harangue or because you are pissed at the world and I look like an easy target.

All in all....its just a place to talk, even if it is just to myself.