Bipolar Wednesday

I just never know when...but I always know it will. I am talking about rapid cycling. God I hate this crap!



I can be so damned normal for quite a while...then all hell breaks loose. Often it happens quickly...but usually these days I can sense it happening before it really does. I think thats because I am so concentrated on checking my emotional stability from day to day. I dont have the luxury of just living my life. I have done far too many outrageous things, said too many horrible things, both of which I have recently done.

I hate this illness. I hate that it consumes so much time, even when I am well. I hate taking the pills....I hate the rages that often times happen. I hate the up up times....because that is when I do the most damage.

My doc asked me what was worse. Depression or mania. Well the depression feels worse of course. Life doesnt feel worth living at those times, but at least I isolate, I dont talk...and I dont do stupid things. The mania is the thing that scares me. Someday...perhaps...I will tell you about that.