Bad Day

Today is a lousy day for a myriad of reasons. First and foremost, I have an ear infection and a migraine on top of that. Because of the pain in both my ear canal and in my head....everything I take for pain, and the antibiotic comes right back up.

I went to work, but by 1:30, I knew I had to come home. Now I am snuggled in my bed with a nice cup of tea and my laptop. I hope I feel better in the morning, but if not...I will just stay home.

I have had some time to do some blog hopping. I read one that was such a damn trigger. It took me back to my youth with my father....and to my first husband.

I would almost rather be called anything than "stupid". In fact, when my children were young, stupid was not a word that was permitted in my home. Still today....it is not said...not by me and not by my husband.

As a therapist working with clients of all types and with various dx, passive aggressive people got to me the most. They can almost never be pleased. They dont have the skills necessary to take an issue on directly. Instead they go silent...bang things around...sigh a great deal...mutter under thier breath...act like martyrs....and are often extremely sarcastic.

All of those things are violent acts. There has never been a truer statement than one of the first that I learned in university. "Silence is Violence" Silence is a predominant trait in a passive aggressive personality. We ...the ones on the receiving end, are left fearful for the next shoe to drop. We are forced to constantly think ahead, lest we say or do something to offend the PA individual.

I spent a lifetime with people like that and choose today to address it right away if it someone close....and keep my distance if not. People like that are hostage takers.

You may not agree...and thats ok. I know it has been true in my life, and for me...that is what is important.

I will Miss him.

My brother came to stay with me in the first week of January. I was so excited to have him come...and the visit has been wonderful. His company sent him here to work on a job, and I have had the pleasure of cooking some of his favourite foods...and then spending the evenings chatting.

The entire time he has been here, my routine has done an about face. Instead of retiring to my room right after the dinner dishes and clean up, I spend a few hours visiting.

Instead of just tossing dinner together, I put some real thought into it, and try and set my table nicely. It has been good. It has also made me realize that I have been pining too. I am very family oriented, but since my mom died in 1998, and then I moved so far away, I have had to muzzle a lot of that instinct. I had to, because I am far away from everyone. Now when I go home, it is really overwhelming for reasons I dont really understand, and I dont usually have that great a time. Perhaps I can change this...at least I will try.

He leaves tomorrow, and I miss him already. We have made plans to travel back to Ontario in July though, so I can look forward to this.

I need to decide this week if I will go to Nova Scotia in March to visit my daughter. I really do think I will go, but work is so busy, I am not sure it will be without guilt.

Guilt...what a horrible word. Guilt has a good purpose...if we use it correctly. It tells us when we have been acting unfairly....or when we have done something we know is wrong. Well...thats what it does for most people. I can take guilt to all time high though, and end up feeling guilty for things that I have absolutely no control over.

This is an area I want to work on.

Tell me...how does guilt work in your life?