OPINIONS ON THIS AND THAT

February 4....where has the time gone???

2010-02-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

Mike is doing very well since his surgery, and we have booked a Valentines trip to Samana Dominican Republic. We are really looking forward to it.

Mental health wise, all of my medications have been changed. I now take an anti psychotic med, and when the doc told me it was time, I was horrifed. I mean...I dont believe I was psychotic! In any event, this drug has seemed to curtail the rapid cycling.

That is such a relief, cause I was up and down like a damn yo-yo. It was uncomfortable for me, but it was even worse for Mike. Stress of course added to it, and when he was having his surgery I was beside myself. I barely remember those few days.

I do have a new dog....we just got her off the plane last night. She is a silver lab and she is the most precious pup. She is a bluish grey with blue eyes. Just a stunning animal. Her name is Gracie. Casey is wary of her, and it hurts to think that Casey's feelings are hurt. I hope she will get used to her, and love her as much as she did Finnegan.

We still miss that wee moppet...but I do really enjoy having two dogs, and in the long term, I think its better for Casey too. We continue to make a fuss over Casey so that she doesnt feel neglected.

Because Gracie will be a big dog, Mike will be sure to walk everyday. This is important for his health. It also gives us one more thing to do together. He can walk Gracie, and I can walk Casey.

The cat is just funny. When the dog comes near her...she backs away, but she hasnt gotten mad and spit at her or anyting. Blue and Casey are good buds....so that helps too.

Its been terribly cold here, minus 40 celsius. Going to a warm climate in the next week, is just what the doc ordered. lol...I am already packed, but it was easy because all my summer clothes were in one place. We went and bought Mike a Hawaiin themed bathing suit. Mike says he doesnt follow the trends...he makes them.

I cannot say how happy I am to be having him all to myself for a whole 10 days. Mike is the social one in our family. He has so many friends because he is so gregarious, and he just loves people. When he gets home from work, the phone starts ringing and its always for him. I wish I was more like him, but alas.....I just find it so difficult to interact with people. I really need to understand this about myself. Its getting worse the older I get, and I am fearful of what my life would be like should something happen to Mike.

Mike never criticises me for this. He invites me everywhere he goes, but he doesnt get cross when I dont go. I really do not know how I lucked out. He is truly the best person I know.

Nothing at all like my first husband who was so darn nasty. By the time he was done with me....there was nothing left of my self esteem. After the divorce, he did tell the kids that our breakup was due to his behaviours, but if he knew this, why could he not change some things. I will never understand.

Well...I better get back to work.

My beloved Finnegan

2009-11-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

It has taken me 3 days to write this post. Those of you who know me a little from blogging, know that I have...or rather had 2 dogs. Finnegan was a miniature poodle..smart as could be. Casey is a Shi Tsu, smart as well, but very stubborn.

These dogs were my life saver, during times of depression especially. Yes, I have a husband, but when I could not even talk...or if I was afraid of saying exactly what I was thinking, I had my girls to pet and share all my secrets with.

Finn was hit by a car on Nov. 11. In all likelyhood, she was unaware, and was killed instantly. She bolted through my legs as I was coming in from going to the grocery store. Mike was outside, and immediately called for her to come home. Because she listened so well....she tried to do just that. She ran quickly across the road, just as a car came and she went right under the back wheels. What hurst so badly, is the driver did not even stop.

Mike spent an hour in the garage alone with her...as she loved him best of everybody. He adored her too...as did I, but she really was his dog. Casey, the other dog, is pining, and grieving badly. I finally got her to eat, and to sit for one of her favourite bisquits today, and I gave her Finn's stuffed elephant. Casey never played with it before, but she has been toting it from room to room today.

The big news and the most frightening for me, is Mike will be having open heart surgery next Thurs. We are both scared, but we have immense trust in the cardiac surgeon. He is an aggressive young man...but not in the least arrogant. With physicians the two usually go hand in hand, but this fellow is different. Please...those of you who pray...please do so for Mike...for those of you who do not...just give him a thought or 2 next week.

I saw my pdoc. My meds are changed. I have sisnce noticed a slight change, but I know it will take it awhile before they are working at full effect. I am confident this will work, as the rapid cycling has just got to stop. I cannot tolerate it any longer...nor can the people who have to be involved with me.

Thats it I guess. I want to go to sleep early tonight. I have kitchen cupboards to clean tomorrow, and I hate that job more than anything.

Love to you all.

Laurie

Apologies, confessions and so much more

2009-10-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

I have so much to Say, that I don't even know where to start. Things have been bad, worse that they have for a very long time. Sometimes I think it was easier when I didn't know I was bipolar. I could have lived with the "bitch" title...and the "there she goes again...depressed, what the hell is wrong with her".

In some ways the knowing is much worse, because instead of viewing myself as bad, I know I am ill and I know what I have to do to fix it.

The mania this time was filled with rage. I raged at a counselor whom I respect, about all kinds of things. I did this via email, so I felt an extra layer of safety.

A couple of weeks have gone by and I am not not able to move from a prone postion. I have a plan for suicide, but it seems once I voice it, it makes it null and void. My plan was to fill my car with gas...poke a hole in m tail pipe....have rags to stuff in it...go for a ride into the bush. I would take a book I love, and read until I just fell asleep. Nothing about life feels worth it. People would be better off...really. I am not just saying that, its true.

My kids and the thought of them is enough to give me pause, but my fear is one day I will not allow myself to go there in my head. What a disgusting mother.

PTSD has kicked in full force, and for no apparent reason. I am paranoid. Certain smells are causing terror....having to go out into public makes my legs buckle....for a vain person, I am not taking very good care of myself. What is comeing up for me....what is trying to break through. Whatever it is, I am not ready.

Then there is the stress of my husband. We are waiting to hear when he has his open heart surgery, and of course I worry.

My meds are not working....not one bit, I sleep about 2 hours a night, I have lost 27 pounds.....and I have no energy;

I have no more to say tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Laurie

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

2009-10-15T13:31:00.003-07:00

I set out each day with the promise to myself to blog even if it is just a little bit. As luck would have it, time just has not been on my side.

I have been keeping up with all the blogs I read, but I have even slacked off in the comments. I feel like they are all so far ahead of me in healing areas....while I just seem to put one foot in front of the other...slowly.

Hubby is still seriously ill, so that has me very stressed. He had testing done this summer that showed about 6 blockages in his main arteries, and the only thing they can do is open heart surgery. Poor guy is practically living on nitro tablets. He has lost a huge amount of weight, so that is good insofar as the surgery itself. We are hoping they call us in November or December to go into the hospital, and you can bet I will be right by his side.

I lost over 27 pounds this summer, and I did not have them to lose. I gained a few back, and am now 98.5 pounds. I need to get back to at least 120 pounds to remain healthy.

I know I am the most boring blogger around, but my head is just too filled with things that I cannot seem to articulate in any shape of fashion. Maybe once hubby is doing better, that will change.

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

2009-10-15T13:31:00.001-07:00

Waiting So Long Between Posts

2009-06-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I do it. I promise myself everyday I will write something...and by the time I visit all my blogger pals, I just don't feel like it. Or...I often feel like what I have to say is irrelevant.

It finally dawned on me, that this blog is for me. Its here so that I can express myself about anything that I want. I can let my feelings and thoughts be known, and the only thing I really have to worry about is being honest...very important....and not being afraid of nasty commenters. I always admire the people who blog and get those nasties and do one of two things. They either ignore them...or they respond in a perfectly rational way. lol...I tend to not be rational when upset, so I am afraid of what I might say. My intent is to have people visit me...say what they want and not be afraid to speak their mind. I just need to learn to respond properly.

There is one blog I visit regarding adoption. It's a lovely blog about a lovely family who has adopted I think 7 children internationally. They also have 4 of their own, and will be adopting one more from the Ukraine. The mom is a great blogger...but oh my! I have never seen such defensive behaviour on a blog. Anytime she is disagreed with, her retorts are sassy to the point of feeling sarcastic...very icky in my opinion. I am not talking about people commenting saying mean things either. I am talking about differences in perspective. However...this blog post is not about that.

I also read some great progressive Alaskan blogs. Those folks are amazing! One has a radio program on Saturday evenings and I always tune in. I have even gotten the nerve to call her open line...when I can get through. These people are witty...caring...and very politically savvy.

This past winter was extremely hard for Native Alaskans for a variety of reasons. At one point, through the blogs we readers discovered that many had to choose between food and heating oil. Bloggers and commenters from all over the world sent care packages and money and parcels arrived and were dispersed to the villagers in need. Governor Palin? She took a trip to visit with a whack job minister, (sorry...I don't think all ministers are whack jobs) and homemade cookies...AFTER everybody else did the heavy lifting.

When the ice on the mighty Yukon river began to break up...it literally broke up...pulverized actually...entire communities. Homes..businesses...everything. Once more the blogs sent out the clarion call....and we bloggers and commenters got to work again. Governor Palin..??? Not really sure she did much.

Recently, on one of my fav Alaskan blogs, someone using anonymous (of course) has been telling Canadians to mind their own business when it comes to US politics. At first I thought...oh well...they can say what they want I suppose.

Then I got a bit ticked off. I decided to vent on my own blog, rather than do that on my Progressive friends blog...so this is it.

As a Canadian...some Americans piss me off. I am tired of all the ridiculous things said about my country...our health care....our gun control....blah blah blah.

We ...like the US value free speech. We do not value it however...when that "liberty" is used to incite hatred and violence against someone of a different colour...a different religion or sexual orientation. We have laws for " hate speech"...for that is what it is. Free speech be damned. Be accountable for what you say, and you can have all the free speech you want.

Yes..Canadians pay higher taxes and it pays for universal health care. That means the homeless man down the street gets to have a doctor...gets to have surgery if he needs it...gets tests if he needs them...gets put in hospital if he needs it....gets medications requiried....can go to alcohol and drug treatment. A few extra dollars less off my paycheque is worth that to me. I am sure it is worth it to anyone with any humanity.

Yes..sometimes wait times are long. In my experience this is for elective things...although I know it happens for needed things too. This doesn't occur is the states...with private insurance?? Please...I am not that stupid. Of course it does.

I love Rick Mercer, but when he takes his act to the states, and a university prof. from Harvard, actually signs a petition to "force the Canadian Government to halt the annual Saskatchewan Seal hunt"...I am disgusted. Or when someone thinks that Wayne Gretzky is our "president". Or..one of our provinces is "Toronto". Or...congratulating us on the fact that we have our first national newspaper. One governor when asked by Mercer if he thought Canada should have a navy...he said ..sure why not. Mercer then asked where would we put our ships, ( most normal folks know we live between both the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, and that we have a grand navy)
was told that perhaps Florida or some such place would let our ships sit there.

I live in remote northern Manitoba. I have been asked however, inane questions like "do you know so and so who lives near the big gas station outside of Toronto?" Please believe me....this is true.

Many americans know nothing about us. Even Obama's new homeland secretary...Napolitano..stated when she was in Canada a few weeks ago...that the 9/11 high jackers came through Canada. WTH??? She didn't know they all had US visas. She didn't know they all learned to fly in American flight schools? Un freaking beleivable.

People...what happens in the United States affects Canada. It affects everybody everywhere. Just look at the economy and tell me differently. (I am just grateful for wonderful Canadian banking laws) I have seen many online articles where Americans are free to comment on us. I am just as free to comment on American politics. Perhaps more, because I have at the very least learned something about the country...about the people...and most certainly about their politics.

I will not disregard anyone who criticized my country...as long as they have done their homework too...and not just spout off the latest talking points. Learn about who we are....what we believe in and why. We are not perfect...we have a long way to go. Canadians will debate though....and we listen. We will not dismiss you out of hand, and certainly will not tell you to mind your own business. I'm sorry...but there is an irony in that statement. An american saying "mind your own business"....interesting indeed. Iraq????

Thanks for listening...I feel a bit better. I am not meaning to offend, I am just speaking my own truth. I am sure not every Canadian feels as I do, but most of us would really love it if silly things about our country would just stop being said.

Rest assured...the government does not get between me and my doc....and the government is not coming to take away hubbys guns. Sheesh...

Have a great day....sun is finally coming out now.

An Arab Woman Blues. Reflections in a sealed bottle...

2009-05-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

An Arab Woman Blues. Reflections in a sealed bottle...

Dreary day...

2009-04-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

but...it is spring at least. This has been a winter to end all winters. Temps hung around 52C for about 2 and 1/2 months, and we got a great deal of snow. Because it is always so cold here in the winter, we usually don't get dumped with a huge amount of the white stuff. This year we got both!

Its kind of a drizzly day...raining actually. Thats alright though, because it gets rid of the snow that is left that is so dirty from all the traffic etc.

I'm feeling fairly good actually. I still have not been taking the mood stabilizers. Its been awhile now, and no manic sessions to deal with. I cannot bring myself to stop the anti depressants though. I am far too chicken for that. Normal everyday life can be hard enough, without depression that never seems to lift. The type that makes you crawl under the covers. The kind that won't let you read...or watch tv...or read blogs...or talk to anyone.

Another blogger I read speaks about the "crying place". I wonder if my "place" is similar. I dont really know. I dont spend time crying when depressed....I dont have even the energy or the desire. I just feel nothing at all....and that is such a scary place to be.

However...that is not where I am at the moment.

I am getting very excited to go and visit my daughter and grandkids in May. I am taking 10 days, and flying out to just enjoy some quality time with them. I had hoped to make the trip this summer, when hubby could come with me...but he wants to do something else in the summer, so I will go in May.

I dont like to fly though. I will have to think of something so that I am not so scared. Its funny...because I am so nervous, I am always the one that gets patted down and really scrutinzed at security. I get mad...hubby laughs. Its really not funny...but I dont know how to change it. I wish I drank....perhaps being drunk would help...or not. That would most likely get me tossed off the plane.

Anyway, I am really just prattling today. Nothing to say....but so much to read, so back to my blog pals. I am so in love with them!

HE IS BACK, AND OTHER NEWS

2009-04-03T13:02:00.001-07:00

My brother is back for another month...another glorious month. I enjoy him so much, and I think he likes having time to spend with hubby and I too. My poodle loves him so much it appears, and I may have to watch he doesnt try and sneak her into his duffel bag when he leaves.

I have been around...reading all of my blog friends posts. Just feeling quiet again I suppose. JIP is going through so much it seems...and I wish there were something I could do. Beauty as well...but she is so introspective and I think through her blog..much like Austin, they figure it out along the way. All of you...Kahless, Lynn...so many. I am inspired by you.

Recently, I have returned to some American progressive blogs...mostly in Alaska. As a Canadian, I suppose it should be of no consequence to me....but Sarah Palin is such a car wreck its difficult not to watch. You should see the shenanigans she is up to now. Whoa Nelly.

I would be a democrat were I American, but I have to admit that in early September it looked like Palin might have "something". The more I read the worse it got. Then her interviews with the "gotcha"media like 'Charles Gibson and Katie Couric just did me in.

Some really terrible things have been happening in Alaska in recent days. One major item is the outing of a wonderful blogger who goes by mudflats. She had stated since the early days of her blog that she wished to remain anonymous and she has that right. Her blog although critical of Palin, has also been unbiased when it came to faux pas that a dem might have made. She brooks no nonsense on the blog....and refuses to allow her readers/posters to get into the tin foil hat mentality.

That said...she took to task, a democratic representative in Alaska, in December, because of his snarky emails to constituents and other americans about certain events like troopergate. Google will give you all you need to know if interested about that.

Anyhow, Rep. Mike Doogan of Alaska, wanted payback. So he has spent the last 4 months tracking down who "mudflats" is. He outed her on the Alaska Democratic website in a newsletter to this constituents. He didnt have any idea why mudflats wanted to be anonymous.

Perhaps she had an ex husband who was looking for her. Perhaps she was a business owner. Perhaps anything. Most of all....the rabid right in the States is becoming more than hateful. Death threats and ugly ugly comments have been thrown at other bloggers for making a less that wonderful statement about Sarah Palin.

The backlash has been huge...on both sides. There is the chance of an ethics complaint against this representative....and the question of the right to anonymous free speech has arisen again.

The Federalist papers well over a hundred years ago, were written anonomosly. Jefferson...Adams...many more wrote using pen names, because they understood well that if a certain segment of people didnt like what you said,, it could be dangerous for you.

Mudflats has had lots of support. I am thankful for that, but I am angry that her family has been put in such a place in the first place.

Many republicans are still very angry about the election of Obama. There is much work to be done, and I believe he is at least trying. Did they expect he could personally fix things completely since Jan. 20? Has he made a few mistakes? Probably.

All I know is that when I watched him on tv at the G20 there was none of the dread one usually felt for the last 8 years. You know...the feeling of "what in the world is this guy going to say or do now to humiliate his countryman.

OK...enough political ranting. lol....if you would like, just check mudflats out.

just want to introduce you to my furry kids

2009-03-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

They are as follows...Casey..the oldest, then Finnegan, and finally the one I will be picking up today...Bailey....will affectionately be referred to as Mr. Dressup. My kids loved the show when they were little.

Sunday Morning thoughts.

2009-03-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

I have been doing very well not taking the mood stabilizers. I am not one to dx myself, but I am starting to absolutely believe that I didnt need that med. The anti depressant yes...and I will never stop that because of my terror of the depressions I have had.

Anyhow...thats not the purpose of this blog. I have received much encouragement of late from blog pals to continue writing. The nervousnes of saying the wrong...or perhaps even stupid things has started to lesson.

Something deep inside me has been stirring. I have started doing things I havent done for so so long. This will sound crazy, and perhaps to some, not that important, but I have begun to take more of an interest in my appearance. I have many nice clothes, but was always just jumping out of the shower and throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweater for work. My employer isnt upset by that...he doesnt even notice what I wear...just cares that my work is done in a capable manner.

What I wondered...was all this about. The taking care with choosing my clothes...the new methods of skin care...the applying of makeup...the desire to let my hair grow long enough to play around with it a little bit. Its not I can assure you...and desire to look good for someone else. I think...and again I dont know if this sounds reasonable...its a way to show my husband how much I care.

I am married to the most wonderful and loyal man. He loves me no matter what...but I havent been putting much effort into my relationship with him for a long time now. The little things count I believe.

Recently...he has been having severe chest pain, that the docs gave him nitro for. I have changed both our diets significantly....he has lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks...due to his food changes, and he is working out 3 days a week. I dont mind telling you though, that until all his test results come back, I am afraid. His blood pressure is awful, and the day they gave him the nitro his blood pressure was 229 over 172. I know the docs were scared that day. Of course Mike is stubborn...and refuses to miss even 5 min of work.."sigh"

He goes for a stress test on the 16th. These tests can take awhile to arrange, but I went to his doc with him, and I was very blunt and just a tad angry. I did this...because I believe we all need someone to advocate for us with docs and hospitals.

I think what it did, was trigger the memory of my mothers death. I was not with her in the hospital...for which my guilt is horrendous. Had I been there....I would have been able to notice that her blood sugar was dropping and she needed help. I would have pounded desks if I had to....and I believe my mother would still be alive. She had a mastectomy...and I wanted to be there, but I lived far away, and she told me she wanted me to come when they discharged her...which would have only been 2 more days. Against my better judgement...I listened. I have paid a price for that for the last 10 years. Sorry...got off track...this isnt about my mom...its about Mike, and my concern for him.

Any how....I am trying to ensure that when he comes home to his new diet foods...he also comes home to a wife who tries to look as attractive as she can for him. Perhaps this is too much info...especially for a Sunday...but I have even become the aggressor in the bedroom....a far cry from my earlier nature. To see the ways his eyes light up with delight makes me happy.

I want him to know just how much I love him....that I will do all it takes to keep him healthy and happy....and that life would be not worth much without him. Its a shame it takes a scare or illness for this to happen in a relationship...but I know that if often does.

My hope is for all of you....to enjoy your relationships. To get up each day, grateful and happy to be with the person you are in a relationship with. Have a great Sunday my friends.

Bad Day

2009-02-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

Today is a lousy day for a myriad of reasons. First and foremost, I have an ear infection and a migraine on top of that. Because of the pain in both my ear canal and in my head....everything I take for pain, and the antibiotic comes right back up.

I went to work, but by 1:30, I knew I had to come home. Now I am snuggled in my bed with a nice cup of tea and my laptop. I hope I feel better in the morning, but if not...I will just stay home.

I have had some time to do some blog hopping. I read one that was such a damn trigger. It took me back to my youth with my father....and to my first husband.

I would almost rather be called anything than "stupid". In fact, when my children were young, stupid was not a word that was permitted in my home. Still today....it is not said...not by me and not by my husband.

As a therapist working with clients of all types and with various dx, passive aggressive people got to me the most. They can almost never be pleased. They dont have the skills necessary to take an issue on directly. Instead they go silent...bang things around...sigh a great deal...mutter under thier breath...act like martyrs....and are often extremely sarcastic.

All of those things are violent acts. There has never been a truer statement than one of the first that I learned in university. "Silence is Violence" Silence is a predominant trait in a passive aggressive personality. We ...the ones on the receiving end, are left fearful for the next shoe to drop. We are forced to constantly think ahead, lest we say or do something to offend the PA individual.

I spent a lifetime with people like that and choose today to address it right away if it someone close....and keep my distance if not. People like that are hostage takers.

You may not agree...and thats ok. I know it has been true in my life, and for me...that is what is important.

I will Miss him.

2009-02-02T12:25:00.000-08:00

My brother came to stay with me in the first week of January. I was so excited to have him come...and the visit has been wonderful. His company sent him here to work on a job, and I have had the pleasure of cooking some of his favourite foods...and then spending the evenings chatting.

The entire time he has been here, my routine has done an about face. Instead of retiring to my room right after the dinner dishes and clean up, I spend a few hours visiting.

Instead of just tossing dinner together, I put some real thought into it, and try and set my table nicely. It has been good. It has also made me realize that I have been pining too. I am very family oriented, but since my mom died in 1998, and then I moved so far away, I have had to muzzle a lot of that instinct. I had to, because I am far away from everyone. Now when I go home, it is really overwhelming for reasons I dont really understand, and I dont usually have that great a time. Perhaps I can change this...at least I will try.

He leaves tomorrow, and I miss him already. We have made plans to travel back to Ontario in July though, so I can look forward to this.

I need to decide this week if I will go to Nova Scotia in March to visit my daughter. I really do think I will go, but work is so busy, I am not sure it will be without guilt.

Guilt...what a horrible word. Guilt has a good purpose...if we use it correctly. It tells us when we have been acting unfairly....or when we have done something we know is wrong. Well...thats what it does for most people. I can take guilt to all time high though, and end up feeling guilty for things that I have absolutely no control over.

This is an area I want to work on.

Tell me...how does guilt work in your life?

Plugging along..

2009-01-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

Right after Christmas, for whatever reason, I stopped taking the mood stabilizers I have been on for a couple of years now. I continue to swallow the mirtazapine, because depression scares the devil out of me. I don't think I could take another one...especially of the sort that lasts for months and months. LOL...perhaps I should be concerned with not taking the mood stabilizer as that is what stopped the crazy making behaviour.

I stopped them, because morning and evening when I took them...I felt ill. I have also been losing weight. Weight that I cannot afford to lose, and that I had only started to gain when I first was prescribed the mirtazapine (anti depressant).

For the last year or so, I have not been really living my life. I get up in the morning...go to work..go home at the end of the day, make dinner, have a bath and am in my bed by 6:30. I just couldnt change it up somehow. I lost interest in everything. I wasnt depressed. I wasnt manic. I just....was existing.

So, I started to wonder. I recognized that I had some serious issues and things that happened due to mania for years. I didnt like it...and I knew it was dangerous for me, and for the people I love. I just am not sure that medicine has it exactly right for everyone.

You see, I have been doing a little research and I came across something very interesting. It had to do with bipolar in children. Specifically children with a diagnosis of RAD. (Reactive Attachment Disorder) No...I do not have RAD.

Anyhow...I read something a doc wrote that stated he thought that perhaps trauma can bring on bipolar. Without going into detail...I did experience severe trauma in 1998. Since that time, is when the mania and sometimes bizarre behaviour became noticeable. Lets not forget, I have worked my entire adult life as a Social Worker specializing in counselling. The odds of someone with Bipolar 1 doing that for any real length of time, and with any continuity is slim. Most of the folk I have met with BP1 have struggled with education and employment for most of their lives. Its not a matter of intelligence or will...it just isnt possible most of the time.

The long and the short of it is. I am not stupid...and if I notice that I am heading up the bipolar highway...I will immediately go back on my medication. I also mentioned it to my husband, and although he is understandably nervous, he has promised to address it if he sees anyting untoward in my behaviour.

Some will think I am just one of those people who refuses to take their meds. Some will think I am being stubborn...or that I am foolish. Whatever.

I just know that a life lived in bed and at work is no life at all. I need to try this and see what happens. I wont let it get out of control...but perhaps that doc I read is right. If I have worked through my trauma and grief issues, and I do believe I have, then perhaps the anti depressant is all that I need. Depression is something that has dogged me my entire life...whereas Bipolar and its excesses are only a few years old.

Wish me luck.

Thankyou Kahless

2008-08-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

Actually...thank you to beautiful dreamer as well.

After that last post, I had the weekend to mull things over. So...I did. It wasnt particularly easy...but really not that difficult either, to decide not to go. It was a little harder to tell my husband...however, that ended up being in my own mind.

I told him late yesterday that I didnt want to go. I said that it would just cause to make me a little crazy....and he said...." a lot crazy you mean".

I dont give him enough credit, and I know this for certain now. The discussion went further into the fact that he cannot read my mind, and he is never sure what it is that I really want or dont want. I can see this you know. I dont doubt for a moment what he was telling me, and it makes me feel terrible that I would even put him in this postion. I know he doesnt really understand the impact that my youth had on me, but I do know he is aware that I can get pretty off kilter pretty damn easy.

Several years ago, we travelled a full 2 days of straight driving to go home to visit. (yes..thats how long it takes to drive) I stayed overnight after arriving around dinner time, and wanted to leave early the next morning. We did leave, and he didnt scold or berate me in any way for that, so on most levels, he tries to be accomodating.

I did tell him that I would be glad to book a flight for him to go on his own, but he declined. He said he didnt mind not going at all....and that we would get pictures. My god...I make such mountains out of mole hills sometimes.....no...all the time!

Anyhow...thankyou Kahless. Without your responses to the previous posts, I most likely wouldnt have given the entire thing much thought. I am beginning to think there is a part of me, that causes this kind of drama...just to further punish myself. Something like that anyway, but whatever it is, I have to take a good look at it.

Remembrances

2008-08-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have been reading this morning, some of the blogs I frequent. Specifically, Enola and Beautiful Dreamer.

Both of these ladies have jogged, or perhaps jarred is the word, my memories and feelings. This isn't a bad thing, as I realize that I tend to shove things away somewhere, and they surface at very inopportune times. For example, I am leaving next Wednesday to return to my home province, family and friends. Its usually at those times that I struggle.

Perhaps if I write some of this down, it wont happen, or it wont be so bad as to once again make me look to be so off kilter. My reactions to home and to family are strange sometimes, and of course I have never explained why. The reasons are many, but the main one is fear. Fear that I wont be believed by them...or that what I say will alienate them. Why should I care? I live far away, and I have a right to heal....no? Nice words I suppose, but I am still afraid.

Enola talked about food issues. For many years I drove everyone who cares about me crazy because of it. I starved myself, or I threw up everything I ate. Truly, I dont know how I functioned, and yet I did.

I did more than function....I excelled. An over achiever to beat all over achievers...thats me. It looked like I had the world at my feet...like I had it all together, and yet here I was starving myself, almost killing myself.

The first time I knew for sure, why I had the problem I had, was when my mother and I were visiting my brother and his family. My brother yelled at his daughter at the dinner table, and I sent a glass of water flying, as I choked and gagged. I ran away from the table humiliated, and my mother followed me. She started to cry, as did I, and she told me she knew exactly what the problem was, and in that instant, so did I.

Meals as a kid were horrifying. It started with my dad, who chose that time of day to tell us what we had done wrong that day. Being sensitive, I could always feel my bottom lip start to quiver. He would look right at me, and tell me that if I cried, I was to leave the table. I dont know how many kids could sit there and not cry after that. I would leave the table, hungry.

We had to eat even what we didnt like. My mother tried to ensure that she cooked accordingly, but sometimes he wanted things we didnt like. I left the table, hungry.

Later, my step father came along. He was a brute. He was so abusive I cant even begin to tell you. He bought foods we were NOT allowed to have. Danger danger danger, to anyone who touched anything like that!

On many occasions he up ended our table. He didnt like how his steak was cooked...my mother said something he didnt like...on and on and on.

There was sexual abuse too. Various people from the age of 3 that I can remember. There are somethings I cant look at, let alone put in my mouth, and that is all I will say about that.

Enola talked about mouth noises at the table, and boy, can I relate to that! I hate it...drives me crazy, and keeps me from enjoying a meal with many different people.

Beauty talked about not feeling like she has a home. I worked for a long time with the homeless population in Toronto. Even though I had a home, and the things that went along with that, I often felt like I was homeless. I think its a state of mind more than anything else. A sense of belonging is so important to human beings.

I was always so sensitive, so different from my sister and brothers, that I was often made fun of. Once my parents divorced they remarried...and I didnt feel like I belonged in either home. My step father was sexually, physically and emotionally abusive, and my step mom, outright told me, that she didnt want me around. Oh, it was different when I was an adult, then I was the one she called to take her places....to do do do for her. And stupid me, I wanted to belong, so I did it!

I know that feeling of not belonging so well. The only time and place I have not felt it, is here...where I live now, so far away from everyone. My husband, 2 dogs and I. I feel like I belong here.

I'm feeling a bit of rage right now. Its not right, and its not fair. I should feel that I belong with my sister, and with my brothers. I should feel just as good as them...that I am worth just as much, and I dont. That is the cold dark truth, and I dont know what to do to change that fact.

Its been a long while since this has bubbled up...and its probably good that its happening now. I realize...this is what happens....exactly what I feel, every time I go home. Maybe I can get it out of my system before heading home.

Interesting weekend -some of this may be triggering

2008-08-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

I received a call from my sister this weekend. It was a nice call, but one that I really had to swallow hard a few times, and just listen. I could not allow myself to get upset, as I had been missing her...and wanted desperately to speak with her.

This is the first time we have spoken in a year. We hadnt had an arguement, nothing happened...we just didnt speak.

I called a few times, left a message...sent birthday and Christmas cards...even wrote a letter. She said she got the cards, but not the letter, which confuses me, because I sent it to the same address.

Anyhow...my sis is a doll, but she is aggressive. I think she was feeling like me...bad...about not speaking. She operates on the "best defense is an offense" style....and proceeded to give me grief about not contacting her. I didnt have the inclination...no..the energy to say "right back at ya"...and it would have only served to drive a bit of a wedge and I didnt want that. I love her very much, and I know she loves me, so we will just call it a draw. Now...I will call her this coming weekend, and we can have a pleasant chat.

I have started tormenting my husband to move away from where we currently live. Its an extremely unhealthy place...at least for me. We have about 16, 000 people in our community. Its certainly not big enough to have the kind of crime that we experience. Since last November, we have had several murders, and 3 rapes. One of those rapes was a lovely 22 year old girl that was almost killed during the attack. Her rapist implaled her with a crowbar, and these rapes are apparently an initiation process for young gang members. We now have several gangs who have moved their business here, due to money in this community. Our town has one of the highest standards of living in the country...due to high wages. Because the mines pay so much, every other business also has to pay higher wages. Imagine a student earning 15.00 per hour at McDonalds!

Last week, not far from here, a young man was beheaded on the greyhound bus. Its made international news, so some may have heard. Its the stuff of nightmares...and I can hardly even imagine such a thing. Obviously, the man who did this is mentally ill. Now...folks will start talking about how we should all be locked up. I had someone tell me last Friday, that the person was probably bipolar! I didnt know what to say....or what to do. There are so many people who just have no idea about mental illness...what it is, what it isnt. They dont understand that a mentally ill person is more apt to be harmed....than to harm someone else. It does happen of course, as we see from last weeks events....but its not as often as folks think.

Anyhow...I really hope that there isnt a backlash now, against those of us who have bipolar, schizophrenia...or other illnesses. Time will tell.

Ugh...not much news...and rereading my post, I am not even sure I should leave it up. I will .....I know that you will understand that I just had to get it out.

Laurie

Home and not so rested

2008-07-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well....we had a lovely time. Lovely...but tiring. This getting old business is for the birds....but its life I suppose. I used to be able to drive and travel for days and days. I love seeing new places and meeting new people....but I found this trip, any more than four or five hours in the car and I was whining. Literally.

The North Dakota state fair was fun, and if one likes to people watch, ( I love it) then a venue like this is perfect! I also did a great deal of shopping. The Canadian dollar is almost par with the US dollar now, so I did get some great bargains.

I took my laptop, but some of the hotels we stayed in did not have wireless....so I had to wait until I returned home to get updated on all my blog pals. LOL...its funny....but I missed them. Checking in with them every day is very much like calling a friend...well they are friends in every sense of the word so why am I surprised.

I must say....Kahless has a garden to die for! It is unbelievable that garden....and she has spent her holiday sprucing it up. The pictures were so nice, and made me look at my own pathetic flowers at home with little more than disgust. I am much better than I used to be though....I am learning to at least keep them watered.

Today is a funny day. I am kind of stuck in an in between place. I am not manic...and I would not say I was depressed...but I am feeling something. Or is it something that I am not feeling? See what I mean...a very strange mood indeed.

I am really lonely...that I know for sure, but I could not really say for whom or for what. I have been thinking about my mother a lot lately...missing her. Realizing there is so much I need to tell her. Things that have happened in the last few years that I wish she could comment on.

Usually mothers are the glue that holds a family together. That was certainly true in my case...although if asked about this before she died, I would have said..."no..my family is close just because". Well...that idea is proven wrong. I have spoken to my sister only once this last year....my youngest brother only a couple of times.

I live very far away from them...but still...that is no excuse. I know I need to do something about this ....but not sure what. I dont have anything to say really....and they arent calling me, so obviously, they dont either. It happened slowly...it didnt occur right after mother died. We just all slowly stopped communicating. Life happens....we go on doing our own thing. My mother made the effort to try and get everyone together a couple of times a year....and we dont seem to have that kind of drive. None of us are angry with each other....we love each other....but our lives have diverged.

On another note....I have my damned furnace on at home! I was freezing when I got out of the shower this morning, so I turned it on and up....and when I went home at lunch it was still cold outside so I left it on. We get early winters here...and we really dont get fall...(or spring for that matter) so by September it is not unusual to have snow. I think that this year will be one of those times, that we are snowed in well before Halloween. The joys of living in the land of the Northern Lights.

I am a northern girl....from Northern Ontario originally. Northern Manitoboa is different though. It isnt pretty here...at least not to my eye. Its all permafrost...and its bleak. I am here for another 5 years anyway...until hubby and I retire. I retire first...3 more years...then I get to sit around and wait for him to be done...but it could be worse. I need to be thankful that we have a good life generally. I forget that sometimes...and can act like a spoiled brat I am afraid.

Its good to be home...I missed my dogs. They were none the worse for wear though, and well taken care of. They follow us from room to room now though, as if to let us know that we wont get away on them this time. They are so cute and so funny.

I have a couple of blog post ideas running through my head. I will post them, but I just want to get them straight in my head first.

Thank you to all my blog friends who have ventured over to comment and say hello.

The end of the week musings

2008-07-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Its Friday...and that means the weekend. This Friday, it also means the beginning of 10 days of this years vacation.

I have broken vacation up this year, into 3 segments. I am taking 10 days now, and we are going to travel to the states by car. I love this kind of vacation. We drive each day until we are tired, and then find a nice place to stay. We try to stop early enough to venture out and see whatever local sights might be available. Mike is an excellent companion for me in so many ways, but especially this.

We are in sync when it comes to holidays and he is so funny and knows how to make me laugh. I am usually the navigator...and I always get us lost. He thinks I do it on purpose...perhaps I do. Sometimes I drive...but not often.

I am taking another week in September to go away for a wedding, and then he and I want to go somewhere hot this winter. Winters where I live are long, cold and dark. It begins at the end of September, and is not over until mid June. Our temps are 50 degrees celsius. Very very cold. We need to have a break from that in January or February.

Being bipolar really isnt dependent on the seasons like some other types of depression. What I have found though, is that even though I am a rapid cycler...it is much worse in the winter months. Last winter was horrid.

It has been very quiet at work today. Perhaps because so many people are on vacation....not sure.

So....as I sit at my desk, I have been reading blogs. I read these blogs every evening, but today I got to peruse them a great deal. Some of them have a very religious slant to them. Thats NOT the reason I read them however.

I read them because of the blogger, and the stories that each have to share. Today though, I was thinking. Thinking, and feeling a little something that felt like envy. I wish I could believe everything so easily. I wish I could have the kind of faith that some of these women have.

Its real for them too. Its not something that they are just saying for the heck of it. Its real for them, and it seems to me that is has impacted their lives in such a positive way.

I do believe in God....or something. I wouldnt really know what to call it. I also have convinced myself that there is a better place than here....and that I will get to see my loved ones there after death. I believe this because the grief is overwhelming, and I need something to hold onto.

I dont know....I get confused. I have a difficult time looking at the things that happen in the world to people....and I wonder, where is God in all of this? Why do innocent children have to starve....why do innocent people have to die in a war fought for oil or money to line some fat cats pocket? Cause lets face it....thats usually why wars are fought. Weapons of mass destruction be damned!

Too much happens, and if I hear when "life gives lemons...make lemondade" one more time in reference to God....I will scream. In truth, I would like to have the strength of character that so many of those posters do.

I live by the golden rule...well I attempt to at any rate. Its a good rule to live by, but I would like to walk everyday with certainty and peace that many people with strong faith do.

Now...its time to go and pack..play with my dogs for a bit. Poor things are being babysat. We usually take them, but like people who have small children, (because thats what our pets are to us) we felt like time alone.

I will take my laptop I think. Would hate to go into blog withdrawal while away.

Ok....I have decided

2008-07-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

that it is time to start to fulfill the promise to myself and get this journal up and running. I always have lots to say, so I am not sure why it has taken me so long to get going.

I just had to finish that previous post, as I had been thinking about it for a few weeks now. There was so much I wanted to say...and could not find the words. Perhaps I will find them, if I blog every day.

I really dont care if anyone reads or not. I am writing this for me....and perhaps down the road for my kids, if I find that I have anything to say that maybe they didnt know...or that I think they may find interesting.

I also am getting a move on, because of a prompt from one of my very favourite bloggers. Kahless is someone I read every day. I like her spirit....I like her fight. She just keeps going no matter what happens. I want to be like her when I grow up, so thought I should just jump in.

I have several bloggers ...some of which I have listed in the sidebar. I will get the rest up soon. If you are interested in how people "come back" from huge life struggles, then all of these folks will amaze you.

One of the bloggers, Andrea AKA Punk Rock Mommy, lost her battle last Saturday with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I have been in awe of this woman, and would encourage you to go and take a look at her blog. What a truly beautiful Andrea is. I know she is in heaven....I have no doubts about that. I am not someone who goes to church regularly....but I believe with all my heart that He is there.

I have made myself a promise to come here when the urge hits, even if its 10 times a day. I reckon if I do this...then it will get easier and easier to blog.

Casey

On Mothers

2008-07-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

I had the most wonderful mother. She was beautiful inside and out, and she loved me and my siblings like crazy.

She was an Elizabeth Taylor look alike, without all the diamonds of course. My mother never had diamonds. She never had much of anything, except for kindness...a wonderful heart, integrity, honesty...and love for her entire extended family.

She was raised in a very loving home. My grandparents were always there...always supportive. I was born out of wedlock in 1953. A time in small town Ontario where this would get you stares and snickers and many things whispered. She kept me...she loved me, and made sure I knew just how much. My grandparents loved me well too....and supported my mother through that trying time.

My mother married when I was a few months old. Not to my father, who was in Korea at the time, but to someone else. The support she received from her family wasnt enough to stave off all the guilt and shame she felt...so being married I think made her feel more " acceptable". My grandparents were against the marriage, for many reasons...but we know how that goes I guess.

My parents had 3 more children, and stayed married for 11 years. During these 11 years, I watched as my mother was beaten both physically and emotionally. My father had affairs...all kinds of ugly stuff when on. He drank...and she did a little too. It was awful growing up in that.

It was a different time than now. The laws did not protect women nor children. Nobody acknowledged child sexual abuse...hell...they didnt even acknowledge domestic violence. I saw that first hand when police would show up and tell my dad to "stop"...and for my mom not to make him so mad. Unbelievable....but so very true. There was no social network to fall back on. There was no place to go with your children....and she would never leave us. There was no welfare to help support us till she could get on her feet...and there certainly was no court or judge that would force a man to pay support. She felt stuck.

I know my grandparents would have helped, but you had to know my mother. She was filled with pride, and since making what she felt was a huge mess of her life...and seeing that her sisters had succeeded....did something to her spirit. She couldnt ask them...was ashamed now of being beaten. The ugly truth is that back then it was shameful....she must have done something to deserve it.

My mother met a man who told her she was beautiful and she was. He was kind to her. He loved her he said, and wanted to give her the life she deserved. She thought he was the answer to her prayers.

She left my dad...taking all of us with her. Now please understand, I loved my father. At this point I believed him to be my father in all respects. I was angry....I was resentful....I wanted my parents to stay together. God help me...I even wished my mom would just be good...so that my dad wouldnt get mad....so that he would stay home more....and we could all stay together. It was not to be.

Later....I will write more of my own story of this time...but this story is my mothers.

My mothers new "partner" turned out to be every bit at bad as my father. Worse in many ways from my perspective because I didnt love him. It didnt take long before he was doing things to me, that no grown man should ever do to a 12 year old girl. It didnt really shock me, as similar things had happened throughout my childhood, when my dad would bring strange men into our home....when the night was long and dark, and nobody was up...except for the "stranger".

I was always filled with so much guilt. What was I doing wrong....why were people like this with me. To this day, a box of Black Magic chocolates makes me sick to my stomach. I rush past the section in the store that sells them for this reason.

Anyhow....my step dad beat my mother...again, physically and emotionally. I watched this beautiful woman grow so small. I watched her become isolated from everyone except her kids.

I loved her so much...wanted her so much to be happy and would have done anything to make it so. I never ever told her about the abuse at her husbands hands. I could not. I will tell you this though....that if I had, I know this would have been the very thing that would have pulled her out of whatever pit she was in, and she would have done something. I would always be chosen over him...and I knew it then, and I know it now.

As I got older....I became far too afraid to tell. Not because of my mother, but my youngest brother. He was only 2 when they got together, and for all intents and purposes he was his son. My brother loved him very much....and step dad loved him. I was a coward and did not want to lose my brother, nor did I want to hurt him.

I went through times when I was angry and resentful. Very much so in fact. I had therapy...years of it. I went to University and studied Social Work. I fit. It was good.

I have worked hard for the last 35 years to get some perspective. I discovered that I dont feel much different today than I did back then in regards to my mother. Did she protect me? She tried...she failed. She failed at a great many things. So did I. I have 2 kids....and I made huge mistakes.

They tell me that no matter what, they knew they were loved...and that they love me very much. Do I wish my life had been different? Thats a hard one. I surely didnt enjoy being abused, but if God had asked me before I was born who I wanted my parents to be, I would still choose the ones I had.

My mother and father (not step dad) did the best they could with what they had. They tried. Thats all any of us can do. I dont even want to think about what it would have been like when I lost my mother, if I was filled with anger and rage. That stuff eats your soul.

As a therapist, I have never ever told a client they needed to "get over it"...."let it go" ...."forgive".....and so many more imbecilic comments. I have not forgiven my abusers...but I do believe I have found a place to put the pain, and the rage. I have used it over the years to my and other peoples benefit, and it has served me in that respect. It has made me more vulnerable to others pain...and that is a good thing in my book.

My anger is reserved for the truly guilty....for the perpetrator. Today...he is well aware of how I feel. Today, I hold the power....such as it is. I dont want power really....just peace, and I am getting there.

Mom....I miss you every day. There is hardly a day goes by that I dont think of you, and wish you were here. I am sorry I didnt tell you all the things you deserved to know. I am sorry I hid things from you. I am pretty sure some of it was selfish on my part, because I couldnt stand the thought of seeing that type of pain on your lovely face. You know my heart mom....you know that I believe....I know where you are....and that you are at peace. I know we will be together again. Until then rest easy, knowing that I am not angry with you. I forgive anything that needs forgiving....and I only remember the good times you and I shared. Every time I take a holiday, I smile...and tell Mike about all of the things you and I did on vacation...the laughs we shared....the love we shared....even the getting lost.

Much love
Casey

Bipolar Wednesday

2008-04-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

I just never know when...but I always know it will. I am talking about rapid cycling. God I hate this crap!

I can be so damned normal for quite a while...then all hell breaks loose. Often it happens quickly...but usually these days I can sense it happening before it really does. I think thats because I am so concentrated on checking my emotional stability from day to day. I dont have the luxury of just living my life. I have done far too many outrageous things, said too many horrible things, both of which I have recently done.

I hate this illness. I hate that it consumes so much time, even when I am well. I hate taking the pills....I hate the rages that often times happen. I hate the up up times....because that is when I do the most damage.

My doc asked me what was worse. Depression or mania. Well the depression feels worse of course. Life doesnt feel worth living at those times, but at least I isolate, I dont talk...and I dont do stupid things. The mania is the thing that scares me. Someday...perhaps...I will tell you about that.

Overheard...

2008-04-23T11:05:00.001-07:00

Sister in law at lunch time..." how was your morning:

5 year old niece.." it was ok"

SIL..." what are your friends names?"

Niece.." well, there is Karen, Susan, Heather and...Harpreet"

8 year old niece..." Harpreet??? what kind of a name is that?"

SIL...." hush now...its different, she comes from a different country!"

5 year old...." awww...now I know why she is late everyday!"

OPINIONS ARE LIKE....WELL YOU KNOW

2008-04-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have started..stopped, deleted, and re-started my blog over and over again. I'm not sure why that is, except that I really believe I need to have some kind of theme.

Its ok to go off on tangents once in awhile, and I will surely do that, but I want this to be a place to come to voice my opinions on the things that interest me. Those things/topics are far too numerous to permit me to have a theme...so I will just play it by ear I guess.

In the long run, this blog is a place for me to come back to, in order that I may opine of course...but also to check and see if it is obvious to me that views change from time to time. We will see.

If someone comes to visit, well you are welcome. You can respond to the posts in whichever way you feel you must, but I will reserve the right to remove a post that I feel was made just to harangue or because you are pissed at the world and I look like an easy target.

All in all....its just a place to talk, even if it is just to myself.

OPINIONS ON THIS AND THAT

February 4....where has the time gone???

My beloved Finnegan

Apologies, confessions and so much more

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

I am so sorry to have not been blogging.

Waiting So Long Between Posts

An Arab Woman Blues. Reflections in a sealed bottle...

Dreary day...

HE IS BACK, AND OTHER NEWS

just want to introduce you to my furry kids

Sunday Morning thoughts.

Bad Day

I will Miss him.

Plugging along..

Thankyou Kahless

Remembrances

Interesting weekend -**some of this may be triggering**

Home and not so rested

The end of the week musings

Ok....I have decided

On Mothers

Bipolar Wednesday

Overheard...

OPINIONS ARE LIKE....WELL YOU KNOW

Interesting weekend -some of this may be triggering